The 3-Chair Method: Getting a New Perspective

Quick.  Stop for 2 seconds and try this:  draw an E on your forehead with your finger.

OK. I’ll give you a pass if you are in a crowded office or a coffee shop and don’t want to look silly.  But if not, take the index finger of your dominant hand and trace the outline of capital letter E on your forehead before reading further.

Now, think about your E.

Did you draw an E so that it faced you or faced the other direction, so that  someone else could read it?

In this well-known experiment, the way you draw the E reveals whether you are person who tends to take the perspective of others.  If you drew the E so that you can read it yourself (making it backwards for others, like in the picture on the left), you tend to not consider another’s point of view.  You might even be a little *gasp* arrogant.  Another study has shown that more powerful people have difficulty seeing from any perspective but their own.

So, what’s the big deal if you fail to take another’s perspective into account?

According to Francesca Gino, author of Sidetracked:  Why Our Decisions Get Derailed and How We Can Stick to the Plan, the failures of perspective taking are many:

1. We overestimate the extent to which others share our attitudes and feelings.

2. We believe that others have more access to our internal states than they actually do.

3. We tend to use ourselves as a standard when evaluating others.

4. We draw on our own experiences when evaluating others.

5.  We suffer from the “curse of knowledge” and have a hard time remembering that others do not have the same access to information and knowledge that we do.

Lack of perspective-taking leads to not realizing that miscommunication often is the result of misinterpretation, as I show below, graphically in my super-scientific “Mickey Mouse” Theory of Interpersonal Communication.

Note the tiny overlap of “shared interpretation.”

Lack of perspective-taking can create challenges both in your personal life (marriage, kids) and in your business life, especially in dealing with conflict.

So, how can you get better at perspective-taking?

Try the 3-chair method.

Play an imaginary game of perspective chairs and imagine sitting in each of 3 chairs of  perspective:

1. Your own perspective
2. The other party’s perspective
3. An impartial observer’s perspective

Sitting in your own chair, or having your own perspective, is easy.

Sitting in the other party’s chair, or taking the other person’s perspective, is harder.  You don’t really know all that they know.  You don’t really know their inner state (maybe something happened prior to your meeting that has affected their emotional state).  You don’t know how their interpretation of your shared knowledge might differ.  So, the first step is realizing that you don’t know everything.  The second step is seeking to understand.  Let go of your assumptions, or bring them out into the open so they can be addressed.  Listen and ask questions.  Try to put yourself in their shoes (or chair, in this case).  One method for dealing with conflict that I have found extremely effective  is LEAP (Listen reflectively, Empathize, Agree and Partner).  Read more on LEAP.

Sitting in an impartial observer’s chair, or getting outside of the situation and taking the perspective of an impartial observer, is perhaps most difficult.  But, in doing so, you are more likely to get the get the big picture of a situation.  In the book, Decisive: How to Make Better Decisions in Life and Work, the authors, brothers Chip and Dan Heath, suggest “zooming out” to get an outside view before making a decision.  The same concept can be applied to thinking about interpersonal communication.  By zooming out, you take the view of how the situation appears to others.   You can even ask yourself what another person, a person whom you respect, would say or act in the situation.

An example . . .

Let’s take a simple example, one that happened to me yesterday.

Yesterday, some friends came over for me to video a promo for a website.  As I thought about how the background of the video would look, I thought that my apartment would be too “busy” a background, so I suggested we go to the “party room” of my apartment complex, which had some darker walls and upscale decor.  When we got to the party room, which was next to the apartment management office, one of the managers was talking to a prospective renter in the party room, so we waited until the manager said, “let me get this paperwork copied and then I’ll show you around.”  The manager left, and the prospective renter remained in the room.  I figured that she would be leaving soon, so my friends and I entered the room and went to the far end.  I set up my tripod and camera and did a couple of trial shoots until the manager came back, and talked with the prospective renter for a few more minutes, during which time my friends and I chatted quietly.  After the manager left, we did two more takes (only 30 seconds each), and for the second take, I asked one of my friends to close the door to the room, to cut down on outside noise.  As we finished up and I was showing the last take to one of my friends, a different apartment manager approached us, looking fairly upset.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Shooting a short video for a friend’s website,” I said.

“You can’t close the door and you can’t video without permission,” she said.  She added something like, “You have to get permission to use footage of this room.  Plus you have to pay for rental.  You will have to get [another manager's] OK for the video.”

This was an opportunity to practice the “3 chairs method.”

My chair/perspective:  My initial thoughts were: What’s the big deal?  We were in the room for 5 minutes.  The door was closed for less than a minute. Really? I need permission to video a wall with a fake plant?  Pay rent for 5 minutes when I live here?

Her chair/perspective:  Now I don’t know exactly what her perspective was, but I could try to guess.  I noticed that she seemed really upset, more so than I would expect for what I considered to be a relatively small infraction. So, my first thought was that arguing with her might be a bad idea, if she was emotional.  Maybe there was something that happened right before this incident that caused her to be in a bad mood.  Maybe they were burned by someone videoing in the party room.  Maybe they were concerned about managing impressions of the apartment complex. Perhaps my entering the room before the prospective renter had left was bad manners.  Perhaps closing the door made them feel I was overstepping my bounds as a renter when I hadn’t paid for exclusive use of the room.

Impartial observer chair/perspective:  Management was upset.  Diane and friends were surprised by management being upset.  This might have been avoided if Diane and friends had waited until no one was in the room, or if Diane had asked permission (or if management had clearly defined and posted regulations).  Because this was likely a “small potatoes” issue in the long term, and in order to not damage the renter/landlord relationship, de-escalation of the conflict would be a wise course of action.

This is how I replied, given the quick game of “perspective chairs” I had just played in my head:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I needed permission.  We were here for just a few minutes and the door was only closed a very short time.  The only part of the room that was in the video was that wall and the plant.”

(I explained my position without being defensive, to try to get her to see a little of my perspective)

“Well, you do need to get permission,” she said.

“OK.  I’ll know that for next time.  I’m sorry I didn’t even think about it.”

And we parted on cordial terms.  How do you think the conversation would have gone if I had spoken solely from my perspective?

Take a moment before you react to a situation to “sit in another chair.”

“If there is any one secret of success,it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”- Henry Ford

A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way

An “attitude of gratitude” is just a platitude.

Your attitude of gratitude might make you feel better, and it might make you behave better, but if you really want to have an impact with gratitude, you have to SHOW gratitude.

From a business perspective, the gratitude or appreciation you show can motivate others to be helpful to others (e.g. coworkers, customers).

In Francesca Gino’s recent book, Sidetracked: Why Our Decisions Get Derailed, and How We can Stick to the Plan, the author writes about a couple of studies she and another professor conducted on gratitude.

In the first study, fifty-seven students were emailed a job applicant’s cover letter and asked to provide the job applicant feedback (edits and comments on the cover letter).  After the students provided feedback, the experimenter, posing as the job applicant, sent a reply from the alleged job applicant’s email account.  Half of the participants received this neutral reply:

Dear [name],

I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter.

The other half of the participants received this reply expressing gratitude:

 Dear [name],

I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter. Thank you so much!  I am really grateful.

The next day, the researcher sent all participants a link to an online survey, which included measures of social worth and whether they thought the job applicant’s email expressed gratitude.  Not surprisingly, not only did the participants feel that the second email expressed more gratitude, but those who received the second email also reported feeling more valued.

Perhaps more surprising were the rates of response to an additional request for help. The day after the students took the survey, the experimenter sent them an email from the account of a different student, in which that student asked for feedback on his cover letter.  Only 25% of the students who had received the neutral note helped the second student, but the percentage more than doubled, to 55% for the participants who had received the reply expressing gratitude.

The desire to be helpful is greatly increased when simple appreciation is expressed.

In another study with fundraisers,  when the annual giving director visited the fundraisers in their office, expressing appreciation, then number of fundraising calls in the week after the visit week increased by more than 50 percent.

A little thanks goes a long way.

How do you show gratitude at work?

Poor Preparation + Poor Execution = Meetings that SUCK

As I chatted with a fellow Toastmaster at a recent Toastmaster convention, the talk turned to business communication.  He lamented that his younger co-workers were terrible at running meetings.  We continued that conversation via email.  Is your experience similar to his?

“Many of my co-workers are skilled technologists – programmers, analysts, etc. – but many struggle at softer skills. Effective communication is an example. Many new co-workers are scheduling meetings to collaborate on projects for the first time, and have very little in the way of formal training. This leads to some awkward, and unproductive meetings. Some of the mistakes: 

 

1 ) poor preparation

• Not setting an agenda before hand.
• Not setting a meeting goal(s)
• Not preparing materials

2) poor execution

• Not setting context 
• Not communicating meeting goal(s) to participants
• Not managing time well or deviating from the agenda
• Not concluding properly (summarizing findings, setting action items, rough goals and agenda for the next meeting).

Some of the deficiencies are knowledge; most of the technical staff did not take more that the basic communications courses. Some of the deficiencies come from a lack of practice.”

Would you add to this list?  Is this problem worse with young professionals?

Don’t Clam Up at Meetings

“I really wanted to say something, but I was afraid of being wrong,” said Laurie (not her real name), a client I’ve been working with on her professional interpersonal communication skills.

Laurie had been at a meeting and had noticed that some numbers on a document didn’t quite make sense, so instead of speaking up, she quietly pointed out the discrepancy to a colleague sitting next to her.  He addressed the group, “I was looking at the numbers and noticed that the highs and lows don’t quite make sense.”  He didn’t mention that Laurie had pointed it out to him. He got the kudos for bringing it up.

Has that ever happened to you?  Has fear ever kept you from pointing out something?

If you are a woman, research indicates that you are 25% less likely to speak up at a meeting.  If you don’t speak up, you are less likely to be seen as a leader, and what’s worse, what you didn’t say may become a critical issue.

Many people don’t speak up because they are concerned that either they will be wrong or they will hurt someone’s feelings if they speak up.

There is an approach that can elegantly sidestep those challenges, yet still address the issue.

I call it the “help me understand” approach:

1.  Make an observation of the facts as you see them.

2.  Use “help me understand” or some variation (“This doesn’t quite make sense to me.  Can you explain it?”)

This non-judgmental approach can help both you and the other party “save face” and allows you to address an issue that could become a critical issue if ignored.

Authentic Conversations at Work: What, Why, How

What would happen if people had more authentic conversations at work? It’s a concept I will be exploring in greater depth in future posts. I’d love to hear your ideas and your challenges regarding authentic conversations. Here are my initial thoughts . . .

What are “Authentic Conversations”? Authentic conversations are conversations based on truth, understanding and respect, communicated in a genuine, “real” manner, with no pretense, posturing or politics.

Why are “Authentic Conversations” important? If people feel respected and that others want to understand them without judgment, they are more likely to open up and share the truth. Better decisions are made when the truth is known. Authentic conversations are an integral part of employee engagement as well (engaged employees have higher productivity and lower turn-over). Authentic conversations will foster commitment not merely compliance.

What problems do “Authentic Conversations” solve?

• Turn dysfunctional teams/relationships into successful teams/relationships
• Employee engagement: reduce turnover, increase productivity
• Reduce loss of time and money (and possibly lives) wasted on decisions made with incomplete or untrue information.

6 Steps to “Authentic Conversations”

1. Know what you want, or at least what you think you want. It’s a starting point. to

2. Address fundamentally important issues. Don’t side step the big stuff.

3. Commit to maintaining a respectful, caring, adult to adult, engaged connection in which you see your conversation partner as an ally not an adversary. It’s not “you vs. me.” It’s “we vs. the problem.”

4. Listen for understanding and not to judge (“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”). Use reflective listening (rephrasing, repeating, summarizing, asking clarifying questions). “Help me understand.”

5. Acknowledge feelings (yours and theirs). Empathize. But, try not to take things too personally.

6. Tell and seek the truth with positive intent. Be honest and transparent, without deception or manipulation. Honestly state your views (the truth as you know it) and the facts that support them. Tell the whole story, not holding back information on relevant issues. Acknowledge reality. Examine assumptions and biases which cloud the truth.

So, tell me the truth, what do you think about authentic conversations at work?

 

Miscommunication Multiplied: The Communication Technology Gap at Work

Miscommunication multiplied. That seemed to be the bottom-line challenge in an informal survey I did last month to gather some preliminary information on  attitudes and challenges relating to communication at work, specifically those challenges related to technology and generational differences.  

A few comments from respondents:

“35 year olds like electronic communication. 45 yr olds like to pick up the phone.”

“I’ve had countless times when a 5-minute conversation accomplishes more than half a dozen emails.”

“I wish people would still use the old fashioned phone to call someone when they have an urgent problem or request instead of trying to send an e-mail or text message.”

“My work team could greatly benefit from more personal communication on a regular basis. There is too much reliance on text-based communication.”

I think prevalence of text based communication creates a CYA, finger pointing atmosphere when something goes wrong. The problem is amplified since people don’t get to know each other much beyond the keyboard.”

“I think technology has helped us communicate with one another and communicate with more people in a week then we ever were able to communicate to 15 years ago. Technology has been a positive development. “

“People don’t always take the time, when writing, to make sure communications convey their intent, or even a complete thought. People “think/perceive” something different than is intended, but don’t ask for clarification. Or if they do ask for clarification and (depending on writing skills) are misunderstood or perceived to be confrontational.”

“We lower the standard by trading speed for accuracy.”

“We have become an increasingly shorthand society for communication.” 

“They (Gen Y) are capable of multi-tasking and are more familiar with today’s technology than Baby-Boomers who might get frustrated easily with today’s technology. Neither one is better than the other, it’s just that we need to learn to live with each other’s talent and appreciate them for what they are worth.”

Read the complete survey and responses here.

Note: the word cloud at the top of the post was created using wordle.net and contains the 50 most common descriptive words used in comments by respondents.

What is your experience with communication and technology?  Is there a communication technology gap where you work?

Professionalism in the Workplace (and IT misuse)

A few weeks ago, a headline in the Sunday paper caught my eye:  College ‘charm schools’ fill gap.  The article talked about how colleges are teaching students business etiquette, including things like how to master small talk.

“A good résumé and a degree only gets you to the table. Professional behaviors are what get you a job.” –Matthew Randall, Executive Director of the Center for Professional Excellence at York College in Pennsylvania.

Intrigued with the concept of a “center for professional excellence,” I tracked down Matthew Randall, and sent him a copy of my book Small Talk Big Results.  He sent me the above infographic (Click here for a pdf of the infographic) as well as the full length 2012 study).

What I found most surprising was the section on IT misuse on the job.  Approximately 4 out of 5 respondents saw misuse in these  areas:

• excessive use of social media
• text messaging at inappropriate times
• inappropriate internet use.

Clearly there is a mismatch between actual and expected behavior.

What challenges with IT misuse or other professionalism issues have you seen at work?

Why Can’t They Just Pick Up the Phone?

“Why they can’t just pick up the phone and call?” asked the man, a local business owner attending a Saint Paul Chamber meeting. The furrow between his eyebrows deepened.

Earlier, I had asked him, “What communication challenges have you seen in your business?”

He told me that the greatest challenge for his business was employees relying almost exclusively on email to communicate with clients. The problem, as he saw it, was that it seemed like his employees would rather spend days going back and forth dealing with an issue via email than pick up the phone and have a real-time conversation that would resolve an issue more quickly and with less confusion.

Email has several advantages, including convenience, traceability, elimination of phone-tag, the ability to carefully think out your communication, etc., but when is it time to step away from the keyboard and pick up the phone?

Consider using the phone when you need to:

-Get or give an immediate response
-Resolve a simple situation quickly
-Cut through confusion
-Negotiate
-Discuss something confidential
-Understand shades of meaning conveyed by tone of voice and immediate responses
-Apologize for something “big.”
-Deliver really bad news

Your thoughts?

Texting: Why Teens Love It

The young man, a high school student speaking in an extemporaneous speech competition, addressed the topic with confidence.  He had been given only 10 minutes to prepare a 3-5 minute speech.

“Texting has become a major means of communication.  Why is it so popular?”

How ironic. When I agreed to judge at a Business Professionals of America high school speech contest today, I was doing it because I want to support young people’s efforts to become better communicators.  I’m concerned that texting and social media seem to be eclipsing face-to-face communications.

What would he say?  I leaned forward and started taking notes.  At the end of his presentation, I had one major thought; texting has not adversely affected his ability to talk!  Then, as the luck of the draw would have it, the next speaker also had the same topic.

I value the ideas that young people have and find that often the first ideas, ideas which haven’t been researched or massaged into the perfect five paragraph essay, are ideas that are near and dear to the heart.

Here is a summary of the points these students made regarding texting vs. phone calls:

1. Private conversations—texting is more private than a phone call because it is silent.  As one speaker said, “If I’m sitting on a bus and talking to my friend on the phone about where I hid the pirate treasure, the guy next to me will hear it and might steal the treasure.  If I text the information, only my friend will know.”

2. Non-Interruptions. Texting doesn’t have to interrupt an activity.

3. Easier to Multi-task Multi-tasking is easier because you can ignore the text message for a while.

4. Multiple conversations are possible.

5. On-going conversationYou can take your time with responding.  The conversation can “linger” and occur with larger time breaks than on the phone.

6.  Time differences (Time zones) are less important because you can text and respond when it is convenient.

7. You can text a picture (or a link, etc.) to give the conversation more meaning.

Imagine if these students had more than 10 minutes to build a case for texting!

Why else do you think texting has become a major means of communication?  And, what are the positives and negatives that you see?

Clear, Confident Communication at Work: Speak Off-the-Cuff without Sounding Off-the-Wall

“What do you think about your department’s budget allocations this year?” Lisa’s boss asked.

Lisa’s stomach seemed to turn inside out as the all-too-familiar panic set in.  Why is he asking?  What should I say?  How much should I say? What if I say the wrong thing? I don’t even know where to start!  The thoughts churned in Lisa’s mind, creating a vortex of anxiety.

“They’re fine, I guess,” Lisa said.  What?  Why did I say that? Fine? Duh! Why can’t I say what I want to say?

Later, Lisa experienced delayed intelligence and had the perfect answer, but it was too late.

Has that ever happened to you?  Has someone asked you a question at work and your mind freezes up? Does your response leave you feeling inadequate?  Do you worry how you come across?

You are not alone.  Speaking off-the-cuff, or impromptu speaking, is difficult for many people.

You might be tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up, thinking, “I’m just not good at speaking off-the-cuff.”

However, becoming more proficient at impromptu speaking can propel your career and position you as a thought-leader and team player who can clearly and confidently get a point across.

To become better at impromptu speaking situations you need to address three basic elements:

Preparation

Patterns

Practice

The first element, preparation, may seem odd for speaking-off-the cuff, but it is crucial for impromptu speaking at work.  You have to know your stuff.  You have to know the staff (the people involved). You have to know the situation.  You need to have deep knowledge on your area of expertise and wide knowledge on the organization (mission, goals, history).  You need to know the people involved—their functional areas, their responsibilities, their personalities and how they all fit together.  And, you need to know the situation—the time of year (sales cycle, production cycle, etc.) and current specific information.  If you are going to a meeting, for example, expect that you may be asked to speak on something relevant to the meeting topic and prepare a few points.

The second element, patterns, simply means that you can structure your response to fit a pattern, which gives you a comfortable framework for your response and makes you sound quite articulate.  Below are eight patterns plus some opening and closing techniques:

1. PREP 

PREP is an acronym for Point, Reason, Example and Point.

Point:  State your main point, or opinion

Reason:  Give one or more reasons

Example:  Give an example.

Point:  Restate your point or opinion “So, that’s why I think . . .”

By using an example (or telling a relevant story), you don’t have to think too hard about what you will say next. Plus, examples always get people’s attention and give them something concrete to hook your point on to.  If people can remember your example, they are more likely to remember your point.  Examples can be used in all of the following patterns.

You can recycle the PREP pattern if you have more than one point.

 2. Problem/Solution

Here are a couple of variations, too:

Problem/Cause/Solution—add in the cause if the cause is not known.

CAR:  Challenge, Action, Result.  This pattern variation is especially useful if you are being interviewed for a job or need to toot your own horn in a performance review.  Tell about the challenge that was faced, then tell about the action you took and finally, tell about the positive result of your action.

3. Pros and Cons

Present the pros and cons of something, but if you want to be persuasive, one case should be weaker than the other, so you can end by taking a stand.

4. Chronological

Typically you would use past, present, future, but if you are trying to cast a vision you could change up the order to be future vision, relevant past, present action needed.

5. Process

Describe a process:  first, second, third.

6. Topical

Explore an issue topically, taking first one topic and then the next.

7.  Spatial/geographical 

Sometimes it makes sense to talk about something based on location.

8. Five Ws 

Use this journalistic technique to address the Who, What, When, Where and Why in giving background information.

Start out with one or two patterns that seem the most useful for the types of questions you most often get.  The PREP pattern is probably the most generally useful pattern.

The trickiest parts of impromptu speaking are the opening and the closing.

Opening techniques: 

• Listen to the question carefully.
• Listen for key words and repeat them in your response. In the opening example, the key words are “budget allocations.”
• Ask questions to clarify the question, if needed (plus you will come across as a good listener).
• Repeat or rephrase the question (and it’s OK to repeat it more than once, which will buy you some time and sound like you are building up to your response).
• Reframe the question to a more positive question, if necessary.  For example, if someone asks you the loaded question, “Why do you charge so much?” empathize and redirect the question to one you want to answer.  “I can understand your concern about price.  I believe you are really concerned about whether you are getting a good value.  This is a good value because . . .”
• Pause before answering.  Take a breath.  Think.  And then, answer.  A thoughtful pause before a direct answer is better than a quick and rambling response.
• Defer.  If another person is available who would have a better response, let them answer the question.

Closing techniques:

• Repeat (or rephrase) your main point, using key words.
• Recap your reasons.
• Reaffirm understanding (“does that make sense?”) and mutually agree on next steps.

Finally, the third element, practice. How can you practice impromptu speaking?  Take the opportunity to speak up in lower-stakes situations—in conversations with friends, family and coworkers.  Make a game of it!  At meals have people write a word or phrase on a slip of paper to give to someone else. Then each person has to speak for a couple of minutes on a topic. Consider joining Toastmasters, where every meeting features an impromptu speaking segment.  Take an improv class to help you get better at thinking on your feet.  And, if you are really self-motivated, practice responses to work related questions on the way to or from work.

Prepare. Use patterns. Practice.  Speak off-the-cuff without sounding off-the-wall!

What have you found to be useful in impromptu speaking?