4 Tips for Overcoming Networking Nervousness

Have you ever been nervous about attending a networking event?  Here are 4 tips on overcoming the fear of rejection or of being judged:

1. Focus on What you Want.  I think the number one thing you can do is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. If you focus on the outcome you desire, or on the relationships you want to develop instead of what could go wrong, you will approach networking events with a positive mindset.

It’s very easy to let your fear grow to Goliath proportions.  But just like David slew Goliath with small stones from a sling shot, you can shoot down your fears with small and simple steps.

2.  Face the Fear.  Realizing that it is very hard not to focus on what might go wrong, at times I allow myself  to focus on the fear just long enough to deal with it.  I like to play the “Worst Case Scenario” game when it comes to possible negative outcomes.  What is the worst case scenario that could happen in being judged or rejected at a networking event?  Is the other person likely to throw a punch at you?  No.  Is your life in danger?  No.  Are they even likely to laugh at you?  Probably not.  In reality, the fear is of saying something wrong–something stupid or offensive.  Right?  So, ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen if I say something stupid?”  Probably the worst thing that can happen is that the other person may judge you based on that one interaction and you won’t do business with them.  Is that OK with you?  Is it OK that you don’t do business with everyone you meet?

Then, depending on what your worst case scenario is, you can even have a plan for how to handle it.  For example, I still struggle with remembering people’s names.  My worst case scenario is running into someone whose name I should know, but I can’t recall.  I actually have a few different plans for handling that situation.  But, my fall back is to simply admit it.  I just face the fear, plan for how to deal with it and move on.   Just mentally deal with it and get over it.

3. Give a Gift.  What I mean by “give a gift” is to believe that you have something of great value to offer.  A gift.  If you don’t already believe this, then you need to spend some time developing your own list of advantages and benefits.  When you believe that you have something of great value to offer, you get the same feeling that you have when you give someone a gift that is the perfect gift.  You get excited to give it.  You focus more on the other person and less on yourself.  Fear is very inward-looking.  Focus outward by focusing on the other person and what you have to offer.  Give a gift.

4. Find Friends. Consider strangers as friends you haven’t met yet.  Think about it.  Aside from blood-relatives, all the important people in your life–your spouse, your best friend, your current business associates–they were all strangers at one time.

One thing I sometimes do as I enter a room full of strangers is to pause, look around at the people, and imagine that they are already my good friends that I haven’t seen in ages.  I think to myself, “Hello, old friends.” And, these “old friends” probably have their own fears of rejection, too!  You can focus on helping them feel comfortable–that’s something you’d do for a friend!

Focus on what you want.  Face the fear.  Give a gift.  Find some friends.

Do you have some tips for reducing nervousness?

Networking for Effective Dis-Engagement

Stop the Complaining at Work!

Are you tired of workplace drama?  Would you like to nip complaining in the bud but still show that you are listening?  How would you like 3 simple techniques to help you do just that?

Marlene Chism, author of Stop the Workplace Drama, shared 3 techniques at the end of a recent teleseminar:

1. Technique #1 Four Words

When people are complaining and want to draw you into their drama, let them know that you hear them and understand what they’re saying, but get them into positive problem-solving mode by asking, “What do you want?” as in, “I hear what you’re saying.  Here’s my question:  What do you want?” (said with no eye-rolling or raised voice, but with respect).

2. Technique #2 Empowerment Technique

Get people out of the victim mode and get yourself out of the rescue mode by asking, “What are your choices?”  It may take a while to get people out of the mindset of running to you to solve their problems, but empower them by asking this question.

3. Technique #3 Collaboration Technique

Encourage collaboration in problem solving by asking, “Are you willing to . . .” type questions, such as “Are you willing to think about your choices and come back at 2 pm to talk about them?”

If a person is not willing to do something, then there would be some sort of consequences resulting from that choice.  For example, if you say, “Are you willing to come in 5 minutes early to make sure that you can be at your desk on time?” and the person says “No,”  then a consequence might be loss of the job after a certain number of  late starts.

Create movement toward employee empowerment with these three phrases when people complain:

“What do you want?”

“What are your choices?

“Are you willing to . . .”

Try them out at work, at home and in your volunteer organizations!

Toastmasters Clubs Build Conversation Skills, Too!

I recently received an email “interview” from a freelance writer who is planning on writing an article on conversation skills for The Toastmaster magazine.  The second question asked me to comment on how Toastmasters has helped me in conversation skills.  I had never really thought that out much before!  I realize, yet again, the great benefit I have received through my involvement with Toastmasters.  Please comment to add something about how Toastmasters has helped your conversation skills!

1: How important do you believe conversational skills are to the average Toastmaster, or the average businessman or woman, for that matter? Why?

Conversational skills are critically important to the average business person, especially if they don’t want to remain “average.”  From small talk that can lead the way to more profitable “big talk,” to the nuances of body language and facial expressions, to the more difficult conversations, in-person communication skills can still make-or-break many business or personal opportunities. Technology-enabled communications (texting, email, social media postings, and even video conferencing) cannot completely eliminate face-to-face conversation, nor should they!

2: Has Toastmasters helped you with your conversational skills? Please explain how.

Toastmasters has helped me improve my conversational skills in many ways:

1. Table topics cause me to think quickly on my feet and come up with a response.  This impromptu speaking has direct application to conversation.  Often someone asks us a question and we need to respond right away.
2. Prepared speeches give me both an opportunity to work on material that I might later use in conversation and also a chance to practice it out loud and receive feedback.
3. Prepared speeches specifically give me an opportunity to work on stories that I can tell later in conversations.  Nothing engages like a story!
4. Evaluations require that I listen carefully.  Listening is really the greater part of conversations.  Or, at least it should be!
5. Participation in club and district events, and helping prepare for events, requires lots of communication with lots of different people.  Toastmasters gives me practical applications for conversation.
6. Learning from other people’s speeches.  A few years ago, one of my club members gave a speech on dealing with mentally ill people in which he talked about the LEAP method (Listen, Empathize, Agree, Partner).  I started using that method right away with my teenagers in our conversations and it took our conversations from frustrating to friendly!

 3: What do you think is the most important thing to remember about communication in social settings? This might be making eye contact, having something noteworthy to say, expressing an interest in the other person, etc. 

You just never know where a conversation might take you, even in social settings!  My husband,  many of my best friends and even some business opportunities have come from conversations in social settings!  In a social setting, I think the most important thing to do is to “click” with the other person, because that’s really the only way you will open up the doors to potential friendships, romantic relationships or even business opportunities.  The easiest way to initially “click” with another person is to find “common ground” so that they can see the similarities between you both.  Many studies have shown that people who see you as like themselves will like you more!  How this happens, practically, is to first be engaging by being pleasant, by making eye contact and finding something to say that leads toward common ground.  It could be a comment about the event or the food.  And then, following up the comment with a question.  Here’s a blog I wrote about the “Observe—Transition—Ask”  technique.

 4: How important is it, in effective communication, to listen? Do you have any advice about how to do this?  

If you want to have a conversation, you have to listen!  You can communicate without listening, but that won’t happen in conversation!  In order to have the back-and-forth that is required in a conversation, you have to listen for the content and mood that your partner is conveying.  That means listening not only to the words that are said, but also to the tone of voice, and to use your “eyes” to listen for the non-verbal aspects of communication (body language, eye contact, facial expressions).  Then, as you take in the information, you can use it to further the conversation, even if only reflecting back what you heard, to let the other person know you understood (e.g. “It sounds like . . .So, what you’re saying is . . .).

Also, if you are listening carefully, you can ask questions that connect with what was just said.  The biggest tip to listening is to focus completely on the other person.  Don’t be thinking about what you will be doing later or how you can fit in that story you’re dying to tell.  Give them your full attention, lean in a little, face them and look them in the eye while they are talking.  Ask questions to get them to clarify or restate things to help you understand better. Then you can also restate or rephrase what they said to enhance your understanding.  It’s OK to ask them to rephrase something in a way that is easier for you to “listen” to.  If you really need a visual to understand something—ask the other person to sketch a picture.  If you need something more concrete, ask for an example.  You don’t have to be a passive listener in conversation!

5: Please add anything you would like with regard to learning or improving conversational skills.

Because so many people have a hearing loss (my husband is hearing impaired, and a Toastmaster), I feel it is important to realize that you may need to modify your conversation skills so that you can have effective communication with the hearing impaired.  I made up an acronym FACE for some tips in talking with the hearing impaired.

F: Face the other person so that he or she can see your lips and facial expressions.

A: Adjust volume and rate.  You may need to speak slightly louder and slightly slower than normal (but don’t over do this, or it distorts speech)

C: Clarify.  If your hearing-impaired conversation partner asks you to repeat something, try rephrasing in different words.  You may need to write down complicated instructions.

E: Empathize.  If you start to become frustrated, imagine what it might be like to converse while wearing earplugs.  It’s not easy.

Note:  I speak professionally on interpersonal communication and have written 2 related books:

 Small Talk Big Results:  Chit Chat Your Way to Success (the FACE and LEAP acronyms are in the book)

Perfect Phrases for IceBreakers (coauthor)

2011 in review: Blog Stats

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 23,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Don’t be a Dinner Dope: Cheat Sheet for Dining Etiquette

Have you ever been to a formal dinner and wondered what to do with all the silverware?  Or, have you inadvertently used someone else’s glass at a banquet?  The above picture can help you sort out what’s what before that next important dinner.   “BMW” is one way to remember the placement of Bread plate (left), Meal plate (middle) and Water (or other glasses-right).

Another way to remember (and very useful for helping children remember where the bread plate and drinks go), is to make the letters “b” and “d” with your hands.  The “b” with your left hand indicates that “bread” is to the left.  The “d” is for “drinks” to the right:

Here are some more tips to help young  (and not-so-young) people with dining etiquette.  This information is from a handout I made for a group of teen boys that I teach in a Communication and Speech Class (hence the BMW visual), but you may find it helpful, too!

1. Watch what others do, especially the host.  Don’t start eating until the host starts. (Family Style:  You can begin after everyone has received a little helping of each dish)
2. Napkins go on the lap when you sit down and on your seat when leaving the table temporarily.  At the end of the meal, place the used napkin, semi-folded, to the left of your plate.
3. Don’t be a hick: Don’t slurp liquids, burp, talk with your mouth full, pick at your teeth, lick fingers, rest elbows on the table, or wear a hat (unless outside).
4. Passing:  Ask for items to be passed to you rather than stretching across people or the table (family style: pass to the right—counter-clockwise).  Seconds can be passed in any direction.  Pass salt and pepper together.  Do not intercept a pass and snag an item for yourself.
5. Basic Utensil Rules:  Work from the outside in.  If a salad is served before the main meal, the salad fork will be on the outside.  Don’t use the dessert fork above your plate for the salad.  A fork may be used in the American style (switch hands) or Continental style (fork stays in the left hand).  Once a utensil is used it should never touch the table, not even “planking” off the plate.  Used utensils rest on the plate.                      When finished, they are placed parallel to each other at the “10 to 4” position.  Eat soup by scooping the spoon away from you and sip from the side, not the end.  Knives should never enter the mouth.  Serving utensils:  Always use serving utensils to serve yourself.  Don’t serve from a common dish with your personal utensils.   Do not use butter and condiment serving utensils on your own food.  Transfer a portion to your plate and then use your own utensil to spread.
6. Bite-size it. Most food should be cut into small, bite-sized pieces, if possible.  Do not cut up an entire serving of meat.  Cut 1-3 pieces at a time.  Rolls should be torn into bite-sized pieces (only tear one piece at a time).  Each piece is individually buttered.
7. Taste food BEFORE adding salt and pepper.  To do otherwise insults the cook.
8. Dinner partners rule! Generally speaking, do not talk on the phone, text, listen to music or read at the table.  If an urgent matter arises and you must attend to it, step away from the table.
9. Dinner conversation tips:
   1. Think before you speak
   2. Don’t interrupt
   3. Don’t monopolize the conversation.  Encourage others to talk by asking open-ended questions.
   4. Don’t say anything distasteful (gross, cursing, controversial).
   5. No negative comments about the food. Try at least a small portion of everything being served.
10. Thank the host!

Anything to add?

 

Ditch the Pitch: Build Your Business with Conversations

Quick, aside from business cards, what is the one tool that almost all networking books say is a must-have?

The elevator pitch.

You probably have one—a quick (60-second), appealing summary of what your business offers.

Being able to articulate benefits and speak about your business is important, but let me offer a contrarian view: ditch the pitch.

Here’s why:

1. Elevator pitches sound like sales pitches.  Nobody likes to be pitched right off the bat.
2. Elevator pitches are too long.  Sixty seconds is a long time to be talking when you meet a prospect.  You should be listening more.
3. Elevator pitches can get stale over time.  You can get bored saying the same thing over and over.  Your business changes.  Your customer changes. What you say should change, too.
4. Elevator pitches are often too general.  They don’t speak to specific needs.
5. Elevator pitches create anxiety when people try to memorize them.  It can be counter-productive to spend a lot of time coming up with the perfect pitch only to feel almost paralyzed when the time comes to use it.

So, what do I suggest?

• Start with a “bumper-sticker” version of your elevator pitch—something of about 8-12 words that is both natural and leaves people wanting to hear more.  For example, I might say, “I help people have better, more profitable conversations.”

• Come up with a few different “modules” of benefits or statements that you can use for different prospects or in different situations (a longer pitch may actually be appropriate in a formal networking situation in which everyone gives a “commercial.”).  Include “modules” of some short anecdotes to illustrate your benefits with a personal touch.  People may forget your pitch, but they will remember the story of how you made a difference for a customer.

Many of the articles on elevator speeches can give you great ideas, just don’t feel you have to cram it all in in 60 seconds.  Chunk it out.

• Plan on having a conversation with your prospect.  Listen for their pain points and “insert” your “modules” as appropriate.

What are your thoughts on elevator pitches?

Here’s Seth Godin’s thoughts on Nobody Ever Bought Anything in an Elevator

Self-Deprecating Humor: How to Find the Funny in Your Life

Have you ever tried to think of something funny to say and drawn a blank?

Have you ever wanted to incorporate humor into a presentation, but didn’t  know how?

There is a simple tool:  Self-deprecating humor.

Put yourself down to bring the laughter up!

In addition to being funny, self-deprecating humor makes you seem:

 

–more confident–confident enough to point out your faults

–more modest–not a puffed up egomaniac

–more likeable–your failings can make you more relatable

A great resource for developing your own humor is Judy Carter’s book, Stand-Up Comedy: The Book.   I’ve paraphrased and simplified some of the material in the book to give you a 3-step process for developing material that pokes fun at yourself.  I call it the LAF process.

1. Lists–write lists of traits and issues
2. Attitude—add attitude
3. Formulas: Apply some humor formulas

1. Lists

Brainstorm under the following categories.  I’ve bared my soul and listed some of my personal issues.

Negative Personality traits/shortcomings	Unique traits(esp. physical)	Things that make you angry	Things you worry about	Things that frighten you
controlling	2nd degree black belt	Losing things	Forgetting where I parked	Unprotected heights
Too task-oriented		Unaccountable people	Getting fat	Jump scenes In movies
Directionally impaired		Bad traffic when I’m in a rush	Running out of money

2. Attitude

• Rant and rave on a topic without trying to be funny.  I hate . . .
• Then try to take a mocking attitude. I love . . .  or I’m proud of  . . .

3. Formulas (all involve incongruity)

• Exaggeration
• Set up . . . Punch line
• Rule of 3’s  (expected, expected . . . unexpected)
• Use a prop?

Here was my attempt on ranting and adding some humor formulas to my trait of being “directionally impaired” (more politically correct than “directionally disabled”):

I hate getting lost.   I guess I’m directionally disabled.  It’s disability that gets no respect.  There are no special classes in schools for students who can’t find their way to the bathroom.  People make fun of me—“she gets so lost . . .  she can’t find her way out of a paper bag.”

I hate getting lost.  Nobody wants me to be the driver. My children don’t even like going places with me—they don’t buy the “scenic route” line any more.  The last time I told them we were going to the Mall, they ran to their rooms . . . and packed overnight bags.

I hate getting lost.  Now that I have GPS Navigation on my phone, you wouldn’t think it is such a problem.  But I think my GPS is defective—or not very good at math.  Almost every time I take a turn it says “recalculating.”

I hate getting lost.  When I get lost 3 things come to mind:  where am I?  Will I be late? And, I’m sure glad I always have  . . . my overnight bag!

Your turn!  LAF your way to being funny!

More Do’s and Don’ts of Self-Deprecating Humor

Are You Wasting Your Time at Networking Events?

Yesterday, I went to my first speed networking event.  Speed networking is like speed dating for business.  In the course of less than an hour, I had brief conversations with about a dozen people, all small business owners who sold products or services to either customers  or to other small- to medium-sized businesses.

I found it  exhilarating, efficient, and enlightening.    It was exhilarating because we only had 4 minutes to chat before switching to a new conversation partner.  It was efficient because 4 minutes was enough time to determine if there was a likely reason to follow up (strategic partner or referral source).  With the facilitator forcing us to switch, there was no need to have an “exit” plan to move onto another person.  It was enlightening because I realized that the people attending this networking event, like most small business networking events, were neither my target market (for professional speaking and executive presentation coaching) nor were they likely to be either strategic partners or referral partners.  To take a negative view, I probably wasted my time.

But I prefer a positive take!  In traditional networking mixers, I spend much more than 4 minutes with people.  I love getting to know people, whether or not we might build a business relationship.  Everyone has a story and I love hearing their story and connecting with them.  Talking with new people is a lot of fun for me–chit chat is like cat nip to my soul.  The fun of chit chat often dulls my realization that certain conversations will likely be non-productive business-wise.  Not so with speed-networking.  There was no time for chit chat, so the lack of a real business reason to follow up was painfully clear.

However, I don’t think I wasted my time because  I learned a valuable lesson that was obscured for me in traditional networking mixers: Focus your networking and connection-building with your Target Clients or Targeted Strategic and Referral Partners.   Don’t just fill your calendar with networking events.  Select your events mindfully.  Ask yourself this question before attending a networking event:  Will Target Clients, Strategic Partners or Referral Partners likely be there? 

If not, maybe you are wasting your time.

“I Hate Small Talk” T-Shirts

Inspired by recent anti-small talk tweets on twitter, I designed a few T-Shirt Concepts.

1.  No Small Talk

2. Death by small talk.

3. Skip the small Talk. Get to the real talk.

4. I hate small talk.

5. Big Talk > Small Talk

6.Small talk,  small mind

Now I think that small talk can lead to big results and big talk, but so many people do it badly that I can understand why people hate it!