Authentic Conversations at Work: What, Why, How

What would happen if people had more authentic conversations at work? It’s a concept I will be exploring in greater depth in future posts. I’d love to hear your ideas and your challenges regarding authentic conversations. Here are my initial thoughts . . .

What are “Authentic Conversations”? Authentic conversations are conversations based on truth, understanding and respect, communicated in a genuine, “real” manner, with no pretense, posturing or politics.

Why are “Authentic Conversations” important? If people feel respected and that others want to understand them without judgment, they are more likely to open up and share the truth. Better decisions are made when the truth is known. Authentic conversations are an integral part of employee engagement as well (engaged employees have higher productivity and lower turn-over). Authentic conversations will foster commitment not merely compliance.

What problems do “Authentic Conversations” solve?

• Turn dysfunctional teams/relationships into successful teams/relationships
• Employee engagement: reduce turnover, increase productivity
• Reduce loss of time and money (and possibly lives) wasted on decisions made with incomplete or untrue information.

6 Steps to “Authentic Conversations”

1. Know what you want, or at least what you think you want. It’s a starting point. to

2. Address fundamentally important issues. Don’t side step the big stuff.

3. Commit to maintaining a respectful, caring, adult to adult, engaged connection in which you see your conversation partner as an ally not an adversary. It’s not “you vs. me.” It’s “we vs. the problem.”

4. Listen for understanding and not to judge (“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”). Use reflective listening (rephrasing, repeating, summarizing, asking clarifying questions). “Help me understand.”

5. Acknowledge feelings (yours and theirs). Empathize. But, try not to take things too personally.

6. Tell and seek the truth with positive intent. Be honest and transparent, without deception or manipulation. Honestly state your views (the truth as you know it) and the facts that support them. Tell the whole story, not holding back information on relevant issues. Acknowledge reality. Examine assumptions and biases which cloud the truth.

So, tell me the truth, what do you think about authentic conversations at work?

 

Stop the Complaining at Work!

Are you tired of workplace drama?  Would you like to nip complaining in the bud but still show that you are listening?  How would you like 3 simple techniques to help you do just that?

Marlene Chism, author of Stop the Workplace Drama, shared 3 techniques at the end of a recent teleseminar:

1. Technique #1 Four Words

When people are complaining and want to draw you into their drama, let them know that you hear them and understand what they’re saying, but get them into positive problem-solving mode by asking, “What do you want?” as in, “I hear what you’re saying.  Here’s my question:  What do you want?” (said with no eye-rolling or raised voice, but with respect).

2. Technique #2 Empowerment Technique

Get people out of the victim mode and get yourself out of the rescue mode by asking, “What are your choices?”  It may take a while to get people out of the mindset of running to you to solve their problems, but empower them by asking this question.

3. Technique #3 Collaboration Technique

Encourage collaboration in problem solving by asking, “Are you willing to . . .” type questions, such as “Are you willing to think about your choices and come back at 2 pm to talk about them?”

If a person is not willing to do something, then there would be some sort of consequences resulting from that choice.  For example, if you say, “Are you willing to come in 5 minutes early to make sure that you can be at your desk on time?” and the person says “No,”  then a consequence might be loss of the job after a certain number of  late starts.

Create movement toward employee empowerment with these three phrases when people complain:

“What do you want?”

“What are your choices?

“Are you willing to . . .”

Try them out at work, at home and in your volunteer organizations!

Please, Just Tell Me “No”

Years ago, when I lived in San Diego, I attended a Filipino church.   The congregation was the friendliest I’ve ever seen and they served delicious food.

However, I soon learned that saying “no” outright was not part of their culture.  Instead of saying “No,” they would defer the decision  (“I can let you know on Friday”) or use some sort of delay tactic such as saying “I need to check with family,”  when, I would later learn, they really meant “No.”  Outright refusal was seen as an insult.

It about drove me crazy.

I’m a “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and ‘no’ be ‘no”’ kind of person.

I probably drove them crazy.

And then I moved to Minnesota, land of Minnesota Nice or maybe I should say the land of passive-aggressives.

People generally ARE really nice here, but once in a while I notice a reluctance to say “No.”  Instead of saying “No,” some people agree just to avoid looking mean or selfish or to avoid confrontation.

Well, for those of you who have trouble saying “No.” I just read an article that gives you 20 ways to say it:

20 Ways to Tell Someone “No”    If I can say it truthfully, I might add “I’d love to, but . . .” in front of these responses, to “soften the blow” even more.

Do you have other ways of saying no that work for you?

 

Maybe I’m Wrong . . . The Power of Finding Fault with Yourself

“You’re wrong!”

How does that make you feel when someone says that to you, especially in an argument?

What’s the natural comeback?

“No!  You’re wrong!”

Where does the argument go from there?

Usually, through the power of reciprocity (tit-for-tat), the argument escalates.  We naturally push back.  It’s human nature.

Reciprocity can also work in-reverse–the next time you are in an argument and feel the urge to fight back, practice holding your tongue for a moment and reflecting on your own contribution to the problem, however small that contribution may be.

The instant you see some contribution you made to a conflict, your anger softens–maybe just a bit, but enough that you might be able to acknowledge some merit on the other’s side.  You can still believe you are right and the other person is wrong, but if you can move to believing that you are mostly right, and your opponent is mostly wrong, you have the basis for an effective and nonhumiliating apology.  You can take a small piece of the disagreement and say, “I should not have done X, and I can see why you felt Y.” Then, by the power of reciprocity, the other person will likely feel a strong urge to say, “Yes, I was really upset by X.  But I guess I shouldn’t have done P, so I can see why you felt Q.”  –Jonathan Haidt The Happiness Hypothesis

Try turning reciprocity upside down in your next argument and see for yourself the power of finding fault with yourself.

How to Share a Hotel Room Without Killing Your Family

I wonder how the pioneers did it.

I remember reading about how they would pack Ma and Pa and 4 or more kids into a one-room cabin and live there for years.  I suppose they were used to it.  However, when you stuff a modern American family of 4, 2 adults and 2 teens, into a hotel room, it can get a little dicey!

Here are 8 tips that have helped on our trip:

1. We all have our own electronics:  3 computers, 4 cell phones, 3 cameras, 1 iPod, 1 Nook and 1 Game Boy.  Also, I made sure to book rooms with free wireless internet. Next time I will bring an extension cord with multiple outlets.  Hotel rooms don’t have enough outlets.  Check all the outlets before you leave to make sure nothing was left plugged in.

2. Earplugs and an eye mask (for me–everybody else can sleep through anything).

3. TV–this can be problematic.  However, I only had to threaten once to turn it off if the kids couldn’t come to an agreement.  Closed captioning helps later at night if the volume has to be turned down so low that it is hard to hear over the air conditioning.

4. Hang loose and say “Yes” as much as possible. As in, “Yes, you can watch that show, and then your brother gets to pick the next one.”

5. Leave the room to make phone calls that will last more than about a minute–a rule for everyone!

6. Have lots of water and snack food.  It is hard to fight and eat at the same time, although not impossible.  A refrigerator is great for left overs.

7. Plan shower times.  If at all possible, get a hotel room that has the sink area separate from the toilet/shower area.  That way someone can be in the bathroom at the same time that someone else is brushing teeth, doing hair, etc.

8. Get out of the room!  Go to the pool, go to the lobby, go do something!

What helps you keep your sanity when sharing a hotel room?

 

The Joy of Complaining: 9 Tips for Effective Complaining

I was really hoping that the “check engine” light on my van would just “go away.”  I considered covering up the light with black electrical tape–a cheap “fix.”  But, I brought my car to my local Tires Plus and paid the $99 to have a diagnostic run.  The diagnosis?  The light came on because some leak detect lines were disconnected.   The likely cause?  Another repair shop, where I’d had some work done a few weeks earlier, had mistakenly left them disconnected.

I paid $99 because of their mistake.  I wasn’t happy.

What would you have done?

Get angry?  Sulk?  Complain to your friends?

I have done all that in the past, but I have since learned the joy of effective complaining!

Mailbox vs. Snow Plow: A Lesson in Conflict Resolution

The Mailbox, Fixed!

A few years ago, we bought a swivel-away mail box.  If a snowplow hits it, it swings to the side.  It worked perfectly until Monday morning, when the snow plow hit it with such force that the mail box didn’t swing; it launched.  The decapitated mail box support pole stuck stubbornly upright in the snow, and the mailbox itself lay a few feet away.

My husband hastily placed the mailbox on some boards next to the support and left for work, grumbling about the careless snow plow operator.

Yesterday, on his way to work, he saw the snow plow parked down the street.  He could have blasted the guy, calling him incompetent or an idiot or worse, but that’s not his style.

He went up to the snow plow guy and thanked him for his work in clearing the streets.  My husband mentioned that our mailbox had been hit and how, initially, he had been upset, but that he didn’t really know what was involved in plowing the street.

The snow plow guy told him some of the challenges and then said he’d fix the mailbox.  When I went out to get the morning paper, it was already fixed!

Lessons learned:

1.       Be friendly in your approach.  Don’t jump into confrontation and escalate conflict.  .

2.       Show appreciation.  Sincere appreciation makes people feel good and also makes them feel good about you.

3.       Talk about the facts of what you observe, without being judgmental.

4.       Allow people to explain (use a variation of “help me understand” or “I don’t understand . . .”)

How can you apply this approach in business?  Think about the last time an employee or vendor disappointed you.  Were you friendly?  Did you express appreciation?  Did you talk about what you observed without being judgmental?  Did you listen, without interrupting, to their explanation?

Remember, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Diane’s website

Mickey Mouse Theory of Communication

After years of rigorous research (well, make that “occasional observation and personal frustration”), I have developed a simplified model of interpersonal communication:  Diane’s Mickey Mouse Theory of Interpersonal Communication (with apologies to Disney). 

1-Day Amazon Best Seller Campaign: 11/30/2010

It’s the last day of my Online Virtual Book Launch Party and Giveaway and I have a valuable offer that includes a special free gift for you. I also have a favor to ask.

Here’s the short version, with pictures:  Why Buy Diane’s book by Midnight

Here’s the details:

First, the special free gift . . .

A Special Report eBook: “Dealing with People Who Drive You Crazy!”

How a Haircut Saved Me from the Ugly Truth

“You are big and ugly,” the little boy said, smirking, trying to goad me into a reaction.  It was a Friday night and the boy was one of several I was instructing in a karate class.  It had been a long, stressful week and the last thing I needed was a 7-year-old smart-alec.