The 3-Chair Method: Getting a New Perspective

Quick.  Stop for 2 seconds and try this:  draw an E on your forehead with your finger.

OK. I’ll give you a pass if you are in a crowded office or a coffee shop and don’t want to look silly.  But if not, take the index finger of your dominant hand and trace the outline of capital letter E on your forehead before reading further.

Now, think about your E.

Did you draw an E so that it faced you or faced the other direction, so that  someone else could read it?

In this well-known experiment, the way you draw the E reveals whether you are person who tends to take the perspective of others.  If you drew the E so that you can read it yourself (making it backwards for others, like in the picture on the left), you tend to not consider another’s point of view.  You might even be a little *gasp* arrogant.  Another study has shown that more powerful people have difficulty seeing from any perspective but their own.

So, what’s the big deal if you fail to take another’s perspective into account?

According to Francesca Gino, author of Sidetracked:  Why Our Decisions Get Derailed and How We Can Stick to the Plan, the failures of perspective taking are many:

1. We overestimate the extent to which others share our attitudes and feelings.

2. We believe that others have more access to our internal states than they actually do.

3. We tend to use ourselves as a standard when evaluating others.

4. We draw on our own experiences when evaluating others.

5.  We suffer from the “curse of knowledge” and have a hard time remembering that others do not have the same access to information and knowledge that we do.

Lack of perspective-taking leads to not realizing that miscommunication often is the result of misinterpretation, as I show below, graphically in my super-scientific “Mickey Mouse” Theory of Interpersonal Communication.

Note the tiny overlap of “shared interpretation.”

Lack of perspective-taking can create challenges both in your personal life (marriage, kids) and in your business life, especially in dealing with conflict.

So, how can you get better at perspective-taking?

Try the 3-chair method.

Play an imaginary game of perspective chairs and imagine sitting in each of 3 chairs of  perspective:

1. Your own perspective
2. The other party’s perspective
3. An impartial observer’s perspective

Sitting in your own chair, or having your own perspective, is easy.

Sitting in the other party’s chair, or taking the other person’s perspective, is harder.  You don’t really know all that they know.  You don’t really know their inner state (maybe something happened prior to your meeting that has affected their emotional state).  You don’t know how their interpretation of your shared knowledge might differ.  So, the first step is realizing that you don’t know everything.  The second step is seeking to understand.  Let go of your assumptions, or bring them out into the open so they can be addressed.  Listen and ask questions.  Try to put yourself in their shoes (or chair, in this case).  One method for dealing with conflict that I have found extremely effective  is LEAP (Listen reflectively, Empathize, Agree and Partner).  Read more on LEAP.

Sitting in an impartial observer’s chair, or getting outside of the situation and taking the perspective of an impartial observer, is perhaps most difficult.  But, in doing so, you are more likely to get the get the big picture of a situation.  In the book, Decisive: How to Make Better Decisions in Life and Work, the authors, brothers Chip and Dan Heath, suggest “zooming out” to get an outside view before making a decision.  The same concept can be applied to thinking about interpersonal communication.  By zooming out, you take the view of how the situation appears to others.   You can even ask yourself what another person, a person whom you respect, would say or act in the situation.

An example . . .

Let’s take a simple example, one that happened to me yesterday.

Yesterday, some friends came over for me to video a promo for a website.  As I thought about how the background of the video would look, I thought that my apartment would be too “busy” a background, so I suggested we go to the “party room” of my apartment complex, which had some darker walls and upscale decor.  When we got to the party room, which was next to the apartment management office, one of the managers was talking to a prospective renter in the party room, so we waited until the manager said, “let me get this paperwork copied and then I’ll show you around.”  The manager left, and the prospective renter remained in the room.  I figured that she would be leaving soon, so my friends and I entered the room and went to the far end.  I set up my tripod and camera and did a couple of trial shoots until the manager came back, and talked with the prospective renter for a few more minutes, during which time my friends and I chatted quietly.  After the manager left, we did two more takes (only 30 seconds each), and for the second take, I asked one of my friends to close the door to the room, to cut down on outside noise.  As we finished up and I was showing the last take to one of my friends, a different apartment manager approached us, looking fairly upset.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Shooting a short video for a friend’s website,” I said.

“You can’t close the door and you can’t video without permission,” she said.  She added something like, “You have to get permission to use footage of this room.  Plus you have to pay for rental.  You will have to get [another manager's] OK for the video.”

This was an opportunity to practice the “3 chairs method.”

My chair/perspective:  My initial thoughts were: What’s the big deal?  We were in the room for 5 minutes.  The door was closed for less than a minute. Really? I need permission to video a wall with a fake plant?  Pay rent for 5 minutes when I live here?

Her chair/perspective:  Now I don’t know exactly what her perspective was, but I could try to guess.  I noticed that she seemed really upset, more so than I would expect for what I considered to be a relatively small infraction. So, my first thought was that arguing with her might be a bad idea, if she was emotional.  Maybe there was something that happened right before this incident that caused her to be in a bad mood.  Maybe they were burned by someone videoing in the party room.  Maybe they were concerned about managing impressions of the apartment complex. Perhaps my entering the room before the prospective renter had left was bad manners.  Perhaps closing the door made them feel I was overstepping my bounds as a renter when I hadn’t paid for exclusive use of the room.

Impartial observer chair/perspective:  Management was upset.  Diane and friends were surprised by management being upset.  This might have been avoided if Diane and friends had waited until no one was in the room, or if Diane had asked permission (or if management had clearly defined and posted regulations).  Because this was likely a “small potatoes” issue in the long term, and in order to not damage the renter/landlord relationship, de-escalation of the conflict would be a wise course of action.

This is how I replied, given the quick game of “perspective chairs” I had just played in my head:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I needed permission.  We were here for just a few minutes and the door was only closed a very short time.  The only part of the room that was in the video was that wall and the plant.”

(I explained my position without being defensive, to try to get her to see a little of my perspective)

“Well, you do need to get permission,” she said.

“OK.  I’ll know that for next time.  I’m sorry I didn’t even think about it.”

And we parted on cordial terms.  How do you think the conversation would have gone if I had spoken solely from my perspective?

Take a moment before you react to a situation to “sit in another chair.”

“If there is any one secret of success,it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”- Henry Ford

Authentic Conversations at Work: What, Why, How

What would happen if people had more authentic conversations at work? It’s a concept I will be exploring in greater depth in future posts. I’d love to hear your ideas and your challenges regarding authentic conversations. Here are my initial thoughts . . .

What are “Authentic Conversations”? Authentic conversations are conversations based on truth, understanding and respect, communicated in a genuine, “real” manner, with no pretense, posturing or politics.

Why are “Authentic Conversations” important? If people feel respected and that others want to understand them without judgment, they are more likely to open up and share the truth. Better decisions are made when the truth is known. Authentic conversations are an integral part of employee engagement as well (engaged employees have higher productivity and lower turn-over). Authentic conversations will foster commitment not merely compliance.

What problems do “Authentic Conversations” solve?

• Turn dysfunctional teams/relationships into successful teams/relationships
• Employee engagement: reduce turnover, increase productivity
• Reduce loss of time and money (and possibly lives) wasted on decisions made with incomplete or untrue information.

6 Steps to “Authentic Conversations”

1. Know what you want, or at least what you think you want. It’s a starting point. to

2. Address fundamentally important issues. Don’t side step the big stuff.

3. Commit to maintaining a respectful, caring, adult to adult, engaged connection in which you see your conversation partner as an ally not an adversary. It’s not “you vs. me.” It’s “we vs. the problem.”

4. Listen for understanding and not to judge (“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”). Use reflective listening (rephrasing, repeating, summarizing, asking clarifying questions). “Help me understand.”

5. Acknowledge feelings (yours and theirs). Empathize. But, try not to take things too personally.

6. Tell and seek the truth with positive intent. Be honest and transparent, without deception or manipulation. Honestly state your views (the truth as you know it) and the facts that support them. Tell the whole story, not holding back information on relevant issues. Acknowledge reality. Examine assumptions and biases which cloud the truth.

So, tell me the truth, what do you think about authentic conversations at work?

 

Miscommunication Multiplied: The Communication Technology Gap at Work

Miscommunication multiplied. That seemed to be the bottom-line challenge in an informal survey I did last month to gather some preliminary information on  attitudes and challenges relating to communication at work, specifically those challenges related to technology and generational differences.  

A few comments from respondents:

“35 year olds like electronic communication. 45 yr olds like to pick up the phone.”

“I’ve had countless times when a 5-minute conversation accomplishes more than half a dozen emails.”

“I wish people would still use the old fashioned phone to call someone when they have an urgent problem or request instead of trying to send an e-mail or text message.”

“My work team could greatly benefit from more personal communication on a regular basis. There is too much reliance on text-based communication.”

I think prevalence of text based communication creates a CYA, finger pointing atmosphere when something goes wrong. The problem is amplified since people don’t get to know each other much beyond the keyboard.”

“I think technology has helped us communicate with one another and communicate with more people in a week then we ever were able to communicate to 15 years ago. Technology has been a positive development. “

“People don’t always take the time, when writing, to make sure communications convey their intent, or even a complete thought. People “think/perceive” something different than is intended, but don’t ask for clarification. Or if they do ask for clarification and (depending on writing skills) are misunderstood or perceived to be confrontational.”

“We lower the standard by trading speed for accuracy.”

“We have become an increasingly shorthand society for communication.” 

“They (Gen Y) are capable of multi-tasking and are more familiar with today’s technology than Baby-Boomers who might get frustrated easily with today’s technology. Neither one is better than the other, it’s just that we need to learn to live with each other’s talent and appreciate them for what they are worth.”

Read the complete survey and responses here.

Note: the word cloud at the top of the post was created using wordle.net and contains the 50 most common descriptive words used in comments by respondents.

What is your experience with communication and technology?  Is there a communication technology gap where you work?

Advice on Unsolicited Advice

During the “bio-break” at a professional association event, the seasoned professional speaker held up my business card and studied it.  Shifting her gaze from the card to me she said, “You should consider changing your business name.  Small talk sounds like small stuff.  You need to focus on the big results.”

Her large blue eyes locked onto mine, waiting for a response.

My internal conversation, which lasted for about 2 seconds, went something like this:

Do I disagree and tell her that other professional speakers had told me that it was a catchy business name?  Do I agree with her and say, I too, had wondered if the phrase, “small talk” might seem too soft-skill?

Wait . . . why is she telling me this?  I didn’t ask for her advice. Is she fishing for business? Is this why she asked for my card?   (She had told me earlier she was looking at adding on a consultant/coaching aspect to her business).

I responded with a non-committal, “hmmm.”

Reflecting later on the conversation, I felt annoyed.

I hadn’t asked for her advice.  I didn’t even really know the woman.  She was merely a professional acquaintance with whom I had exchanged perhaps a dozen words prior to that day.  What right did she have to give me unsolicited advice?

Even when someone has the “right” to give unsolicited advice (e.g. mother-in-laws), it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

  “Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life.”—Bern Williams

As I reflected on the conversation further, I felt pangs of guilty recognition.

Shame. Shame. Shame on me!  How many times had I given unsolicited advice? I needed to get the log out of my own eye.

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. –Matthew 7:5, NLT

My poor husband had first been the recipient of my “helpful” advice when, during his business presentations that I sat in on early in our marriage, I would take notes of all his grammar and pronunciation mistakes and hand him the list afterwards.  Ouch.

Then came my children, whom I homeschooled.  Need I say more?  Ouch.

And what about the countless times I offered unsolicited advice to people in my professional and volunteer spheres of influence?  Ouch.

Humbled by my own guilty conscience, I resolved to approach advice differently.

Here’s my advice on unsolicited advice:

1.  Don’t waste your time giving unsolicited advice.  People who don’t ask for advice are unlikely to listen to it.  Of course, this doesn’t apply to blogs and newsletters!  If people read them, they are implicitly asking for advice.

2.  If you feel extremely compelled to give unsolicited advice, consider:

• Your relationship to the recipient.  Only give unsolicited advice if you have the respect of the recipient.
• Asking, “May I give you advice on this?”
• Sharing information from another source, not giving your own opinion.
• Positioning your advice as another way to do something, not the only way.
• Not giving advice “after-the-fact.”  It’s like rubbing salt in the wound.

What advice do you have on advice? (I’m giving you permission to give me advice!)

 

Locubrevisphobia: Fear of Small Talk

From the first chapter of Small Talk Big Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success!

Locubrevisphobia (n.)  A pathological fear of making small talk, often resulting in the sufferer avoiding social and networking events [from Latin “locu,” speak,  and “brevis,” short + phobia].

OK. I made that up. But many people do have fears that hold them back from making small talk.

Let’s take a look at the four most common fears that hold people back.

1. Fear of the unknown. When I was little, my mom said, “Don’t talk to strangers!”  For some people, that childhood fear of strangers persists into adulthood.

 Attitude Booster: Act like a host, not a guest.

You are at a business networking event and have done your reconnaissance—checked out who is there and identified potential conversation partners.  You’re ready to make your move, but there is that twinge of nervousness. Are you nervous about introducing yourself to total strangers?

Consider a different scenario for the next networking event you attend. Think of yourself as an event’s host and not its guest.

As a host, you would introduce yourself to people you don’t know and introduce them to others. Wouldn’t you tell them where to find the food and drinks? Wouldn’t you introduce people as they arrive?  A host has an active role as opposed to the passive role of a guest. You can play the role of the host even though you are not the actual host. Get in the habit of holding out your hand first and saying, “Hi, my name is ____________.”

2. Fear of rejection. Anytime you open your mouth and speak, even just to chit chat, you risk rejection. If you never talk to people, you won’t be rejected. But guess what? If you never talk to people, you will also be very lonely.

The best way I’ve found to overcome the fear of rejection is to focus on how I feel when I am accepted. It’s a great feeling and it’s worth risking rejection.

Attitude Booster: Recall the beginnings of your important relationships.

Ask yourself: what do I have to lose? Nothing! What do I have to gain? Possibly everything! Think back to when you first met your spouse or another important person in your life. How did it all start? You probably started with small talk.

I remember when my husband and I met. I was 17 and at my first beer-kegger party. As neither he nor I drink beer, I suppose it was fate that the only two sober people there would strike up a conversation. We were both geeky types, so our geeky small talk worked out just fine. More than 30 years later we are still together.

3. Fear of being a bore. You know what it’s like to hear someone drone on and on, so you don’t want to be the person others want to escape!

Attitude Booster: If you are afraid of being a bore, you probably won’t be one.

There is a simple solution, too. As long as the other person is talking, they are NOT bored! By encouraging them to talk, you become the most fascinating conversationalist they’ve ever talked to.

4. Fear of looking stupid. You are afraid that if you open your mouth, you will insert your foot. Or, maybe you won’t know what to say.

Attitude Booster: This fear is bigger in your mind than in reality!

It just doesn’t happen that often. But if it does, an effective technique is to make fun of yourself. If you can make fun of yourself, you will put others at ease. This fear is easily overcome with practice and preparation.

Have you ever suffered from locubrevisphobia?  What has helped you overcome your fear of small talk?

Brush up your small talk and networking skills by getting the book!

Better Small Talk Tips from Minister Faust

“So, what do you do?” or the variation, “So, what do you do for a living?” are probably the most common opening questions when people meet.  While many people give boring answers to these questions and others spew out an elevator pitch, there are a few people who realize that the questions themselves are problematic.

They can be an attempt to discover who the top dog is.

Why not ask a question that engages people in sharing what they know and what they care about in a way that connects them with you?  Ask them a question that gets them to share a personal story.  Personal stories can be an equalizer. That’s what radio host, Malcolm “Minister Faust” Azania, shares in this Tedx talk, “How to Engage in Better Small Talk.”

Azania uses 7 question zones to encourage story sharing:

 1. Food. “Tell me the story of your most powerful associations with bread . . . ” Azania related a story of asking that question of a friend who told him about when his dog ate a loaf and an half of bread dough.

 2. Favorite teacher. It’s amazing how much people want to answer this question.  Who are the heroes without their teachers . . . the ones who helped them transform?

3. Forest. Ask about their connection with nature.

4. Film & culture. People will tell you remarkable things about how their favorite book or movie affected them.  Instead of asking,  “Have you read book X?” ask “Tell me about a book that changed you.” Or, “Tell me about your favorite book dealing with X . . .  or about Y . . . or by Z.”  Other questions: ”Tell me about a movie that makes you cry.” And,  ”Who would you want to play you in a movie?”

5.  Forlorn or fond. “Tell me about the songs that profoundly remind you of your own youth and why.”

6. Fear. Ask them about their fear—a fear they’ve overcome.  ”Tell me if and when you ever personally overcame racial tension.”

7. For the Win. “Tell me the story of one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for you.”  Or, “Tell me about a time when you discovered that you were stronger than you thought you were.”

These types of questions aren’t intended to arrive at specific point, but where they take you can be much more interesting than the response to “what do you do for a living?”

Use small talk to get to the big talk by encouraging people to tell stories.

Is Texting the Death of Small Talk?

Woman texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen.”

Husband texts her back:
“Pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Woman texts back:
“Computer completely dead now.”

Maybe you haven’t ever misconstrued a text (or “miscontexted”) that badly, but the above joke highlights one of the challenges of texting:   a greater likelihood of misinterpretation.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love texting!  Texting is great for short, informational messages. Plus, you don’t have to worry as much about interrupting people (although people will often interrupt themselves to look at a text).  And, I prefer receiving a text to receiving voice mail (does anybody really like voicemail?).

My biggest concern with texting is for teens and young adults, who may be losing the ability to make conversation and small talk, which is still a vital skill in the workplace (and in personal life).

According to a study published last year by the Pew Research Center, “Young adults are the most avid texters by a wide margin. Cell owners between the ages of 18 and 24 exchange an average of 109.5 messages on a normal day—that works out to more than 3,200 texts per month—and the typical or median cell owner in this age group sends or receives 50 messages per day (or 1500 messages per month). Cell owners between the ages of 18 and 24 exchange an average of 109.5 messages on a normal day—that works out to more than 3,200 texts per month—and the typical or median cell owner in this age group sends or receives 50 messages per day (or 1500 messages per month).”  Pew’s more recent research shows that the  number of texts for median teen texter (ages 12-17)  has risen to 60 text per day from 50 texts per day in 2009.

That’s a lot of texting.  That’s a lot of time not talking.  ”Heavy text users are much more likely to prefer texting to talking. Some 55% of those who exchange more than 50 messages a day say they would rather get a text than a voice call.”

The preference for texting over talking has, anectodally, resulted in decreased interpersonal communication skills, on the phone and face-to-face. Are we losing the art of small talk?

 ”It is an art that’s becoming as valuable as good writing,” says Janet Sternberg, a professor of communication and media studies at Fordham University in New York who is also a linguist.

In the most extreme cases, she’s noticed that more students don’t look her in the eye and have trouble with the basics of direct conversation – habits that, she says, will not serve them well as they enter a world where many of their elders still expect an in-person conversation, or at the very least a phone call.

On today’s college campuses, the dynamic is often different. Forget about things like “office hours,” for instance. Many professors say they rarely see students outside of class.

“I sit in my office hours lonely now because if students have a question, they email, often late at night,” says Renee Houston, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Puget Sound in Washington state.

“And they never call, ever.”

She recalls overhearing students chuckling about the way people older than them communicate.

“My parents left me a VOICEMAIL. Can you believe it?” one said, as if voicemail had gone the way of the dinosaurs.

–From Text Messaging: Is Texting Ruining the Art of Conversation?

Here’s a table of some of the talking vs. texting issues that I see:

Texting is a valuable mode of communication, but it can’t completely replace voice or face-to-face conversations (which include online face-to-face technologies such as Skype).

What can we do to ensure that texting isn’t the death of small talk?  A few ideas:

• No-texting zones/rules (for example, no texting family members in the same house)
• Eat dinner with your family and don’t allow texting at dinner.  Talk.
• Encourage video/Skype/Facetime conversations with people at a distance
• High School and College Classes on interpersonal communication
• Use of  the Toastmasters International’s Interpersonal Communication Program for Youth
• Encourage young adults (well, anyone over 18) to visit a Toastmasters club, to see how they might benefit from the communication and leadership skills
• Speech classes that include a component of impromptu speaking (which is something I include in my youth classes as detailed in Speech Class for Teens)
• Give the young adults  in your life a copy of Small Talk Big Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success!  It’s a quick read on the basics of small talk and networking (and yes, I wrote it!)

Do you have some ideas?

opening joke source

StrengthsFinder 2.0: Focusing on Your Strengths

What do you think about focusing on strengths and downplaying your weaknesses?

I recently took the Strength Finders 2.o strengths survey, a set of 177 paired questions which took me about 25 minutes to complete.  I had purchased the Kindle version of the book and received a code to take the test online.

My top strengths as determined by the survey are, in order:

1. Activator–one who acts to start things in motion
2. Maximizer–one who seeks to take people and projects from great to excellent
3. Learner–one who must constantly be challenged and learning new things to feel successful
4. Woo–one who is able to easily persuade
5. Communication–one who uses words to inspire action and education

If you know me, does this ring true?

Here is the list of all 34 strengths–which strengths do you have?

• Achiever – one with a constant drive for accomplishing tasks
• Activator – one who acts to start things in motion
• Adaptability – one who is especially adept at accommodating to changes in direction/plan
• Analytical – one who requires data and/or proof to make sense of their circumstances
• Arranger – one who enjoys orchestrating many tasks and variables to a successful outcome
• Belief – one who strives to find some ultimate meaning behind everything they do
• Command – one who steps up to positions of leadership without fear of confrontation
• Communication – one who uses words to inspire action and education
• Competition – one who thrives on comparison and competition to be successful
• Connectedness – one who seeks to unite others through commonality
• Consistency – one who believes in treating everyone the same to avoid unfair advantage
• Context – one who is able to use the past to make better decisions in the present
• Deliberative – one who proceeds with caution, seeking to always have a plan and know all of the details
• Developer – one who sees the untapped potential in others
• Discipline – one who seeks to make sense of the world by imposition of order
• Empathy – one who is especially in tune with the emotions of others
• Focus – one who requires a clear sense of direction to be successful
• Futuristic – one who has a keen sense of using an eye towards the future to drive today’s success
• Harmony – one who seeks to avoid conflict and achieve success through consensus
• Ideation – one who is adept at seeing underlying concepts that unite disparate ideas
• Includer – one who instinctively works to include everyone
• Individualization – one who draws upon the uniqueness of individuals to create successful teams
• Input – one who is constantly collecting information or objects for future use
• Intellection – one who enjoys thinking and thought-provoking conversation often for its own sake, and also can data compress complex concepts into simplified models
• Learner – one who must constantly be challenged and learning new things to feel successful
• Maximizer – one who seeks to take people and projects from great to excellent
• Positivity – one who has a knack for bring the light-side to any situation
• Relator – one who is most comfortable with fewer, deeper relationships
• Responsibility – one who, inexplicably, must follow through on commitments
• Restorative – one who thrives on solving difficult problems
• Self-Assurance – one who stays true to their beliefs, judgments and is confident of his/her ability
• Significance – one who seeks to be seen as significant by others
• Strategic – one who is able to see a clear direction through the complexity of a situation
• Woo – one who is able to easily persuade

4 Tips for Overcoming Networking Nervousness

Have you ever been nervous about attending a networking event?  Here are 4 tips on overcoming the fear of rejection or of being judged:

1. Focus on What you Want.  I think the number one thing you can do is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. If you focus on the outcome you desire, or on the relationships you want to develop instead of what could go wrong, you will approach networking events with a positive mindset.

It’s very easy to let your fear grow to Goliath proportions.  But just like David slew Goliath with small stones from a sling shot, you can shoot down your fears with small and simple steps.

2.  Face the Fear.  Realizing that it is very hard not to focus on what might go wrong, at times I allow myself  to focus on the fear just long enough to deal with it.  I like to play the “Worst Case Scenario” game when it comes to possible negative outcomes.  What is the worst case scenario that could happen in being judged or rejected at a networking event?  Is the other person likely to throw a punch at you?  No.  Is your life in danger?  No.  Are they even likely to laugh at you?  Probably not.  In reality, the fear is of saying something wrong–something stupid or offensive.  Right?  So, ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen if I say something stupid?”  Probably the worst thing that can happen is that the other person may judge you based on that one interaction and you won’t do business with them.  Is that OK with you?  Is it OK that you don’t do business with everyone you meet?

Then, depending on what your worst case scenario is, you can even have a plan for how to handle it.  For example, I still struggle with remembering people’s names.  My worst case scenario is running into someone whose name I should know, but I can’t recall.  I actually have a few different plans for handling that situation.  But, my fall back is to simply admit it.  I just face the fear, plan for how to deal with it and move on.   Just mentally deal with it and get over it.

3. Give a Gift.  What I mean by “give a gift” is to believe that you have something of great value to offer.  A gift.  If you don’t already believe this, then you need to spend some time developing your own list of advantages and benefits.  When you believe that you have something of great value to offer, you get the same feeling that you have when you give someone a gift that is the perfect gift.  You get excited to give it.  You focus more on the other person and less on yourself.  Fear is very inward-looking.  Focus outward by focusing on the other person and what you have to offer.  Give a gift.

4. Find Friends. Consider strangers as friends you haven’t met yet.  Think about it.  Aside from blood-relatives, all the important people in your life–your spouse, your best friend, your current business associates–they were all strangers at one time.

One thing I sometimes do as I enter a room full of strangers is to pause, look around at the people, and imagine that they are already my good friends that I haven’t seen in ages.  I think to myself, “Hello, old friends.” And, these “old friends” probably have their own fears of rejection, too!  You can focus on helping them feel comfortable–that’s something you’d do for a friend!

Focus on what you want.  Face the fear.  Give a gift.  Find some friends.

Do you have some tips for reducing nervousness?

Love Letter Found in a Thrift Store Purse

While searching for a summer purse that would hold my all my stuff (I was especially looking for one that would hold my new Logitech tablet keyboard), I stopped at a thrift store in the Highland Park neighborhood of St. Paul, MN. I tried out several purses, and in one I found a surprise. A love letter.

It was so touching, I couldn’t believe that its recipient wouldn’t cherish it forever, even if the relationship might have ended. I didn’t get the purse, but I took the letter and went next door to the Panera Bread and typed it into this post. Every woman should have a letter like this. And, Cynthia, I left the big “cow print” purse at the thrift store, but if you want your letter from Greg Haywood, I have the original. I tried to find Greg online (and even looked for Cynthia Haywood, in case you married him), but Haywood is too common a name. So, I will just print the letter here and maybe it will find you.

The letter was written with no capital letters, so added those, but left everything else as written.

Cynthia,

I don’t know where it is that we are at in love. I look at love as an entity. If it were in physical form, like a country. And maybe we are on the coast or maybe we are smack dab in the middle of it.

When I think of where it is we are at, I am amazed at the transformation of the relationship. For obvious reasons, our foundation was made on something strong. It could be argued that it could be built on something stronger, if the circumstances had been ideal, but as we clearly have learned by now, nothing about this journey has been ideal. It has been a fairly unique set of obstacles that we have had to overcome.

There are times where the love that I have for you seems really overwhelming. I would label myself possessive, but I do want you all to myself. I do acknowledge that you are hot. Very attractive. And those same qualities that drew me to you probably are sensed by other men. It’s just something about you. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself. Your demeanor is sexy. Your smile rocks. There are those that probably see the great conversationalist/friend side of you, and also get the sense that you’d probably have some sexy things going on in that head of yours, and that you’d be great in bed. I think there is a part of you in denial about it. Either way, there are men that probably see that in you and think “jackpot!” and they’re right. You are a jackpot and you are a keeper. My keeper. My diamond in the rough.

I will try and do all I can to keep you happy. To make you content and satisfied and not neglect you or make conditions such that you wander to the “other side of the fence.” I feel I only have one chance to do this and to do this right. I played such a secondary role during my last foray into love. This time? I leave noting to chance. If I can’t make it work in something that has felt as effortlessly as this has and as easy going as this relationship has predominantly been, then I will walk away from love forever. I picture us discussing this and your response would be something like “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “even if this doesn’t work, you have so many great qualities you should love again.” But, honestly Cynthia? No. Because I’m not this teen in love. Or this kid that sees the world, and love, with blinders on. There is so much that is right with us. And you know that. And if all those rights don’t translate into a committed, happy, everlasting, ’til death do us part, loving relationship, then true love must just not be what I am meant to have.

You are looking on the verge of drooling over there. I love you enough that I will wake you before the saliva falls or I will break out a napkin, or use the bottom of my shirt to catch it (insert my creepy trademark laugh here). I look forward to this weekend, another adventure for you and I. Hopefully, we find good deals, good gifts, good food, good times and maybe some new hoop earrings while we’re at it. We’re a great team Ms. Cindy. I’m glad for whatever it was that made you fall for me despite the world I was in at that time. Maybe you really wanna be Mrs. Greg Haywood. Hmmm . . .

Loving you more with each fairly silent snore,
Greg