4 Tips for Overcoming Networking Nervousness

Have you ever been nervous about attending a networking event?  Here are 4 tips on overcoming the fear of rejection or of being judged:

1. Focus on What you Want.  I think the number one thing you can do is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. If you focus on the outcome you desire, or on the relationships you want to develop instead of what could go wrong, you will approach networking events with a positive mindset.

It’s very easy to let your fear grow to Goliath proportions.  But just like David slew Goliath with small stones from a sling shot, you can shoot down your fears with small and simple steps.

2.  Face the Fear.  Realizing that it is very hard not to focus on what might go wrong, at times I allow myself  to focus on the fear just long enough to deal with it.  I like to play the “Worst Case Scenario” game when it comes to possible negative outcomes.  What is the worst case scenario that could happen in being judged or rejected at a networking event?  Is the other person likely to throw a punch at you?  No.  Is your life in danger?  No.  Are they even likely to laugh at you?  Probably not.  In reality, the fear is of saying something wrong–something stupid or offensive.  Right?  So, ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen if I say something stupid?”  Probably the worst thing that can happen is that the other person may judge you based on that one interaction and you won’t do business with them.  Is that OK with you?  Is it OK that you don’t do business with everyone you meet?

Then, depending on what your worst case scenario is, you can even have a plan for how to handle it.  For example, I still struggle with remembering people’s names.  My worst case scenario is running into someone whose name I should know, but I can’t recall.  I actually have a few different plans for handling that situation.  But, my fall back is to simply admit it.  I just face the fear, plan for how to deal with it and move on.   Just mentally deal with it and get over it.

3. Give a Gift.  What I mean by “give a gift” is to believe that you have something of great value to offer.  A gift.  If you don’t already believe this, then you need to spend some time developing your own list of advantages and benefits.  When you believe that you have something of great value to offer, you get the same feeling that you have when you give someone a gift that is the perfect gift.  You get excited to give it.  You focus more on the other person and less on yourself.  Fear is very inward-looking.  Focus outward by focusing on the other person and what you have to offer.  Give a gift.

4. Find Friends. Consider strangers as friends you haven’t met yet.  Think about it.  Aside from blood-relatives, all the important people in your life–your spouse, your best friend, your current business associates–they were all strangers at one time.

One thing I sometimes do as I enter a room full of strangers is to pause, look around at the people, and imagine that they are already my good friends that I haven’t seen in ages.  I think to myself, “Hello, old friends.” And, these “old friends” probably have their own fears of rejection, too!  You can focus on helping them feel comfortable–that’s something you’d do for a friend!

Focus on what you want.  Face the fear.  Give a gift.  Find some friends.

Do you have some tips for reducing nervousness?

Love Letter Found in a Thrift Store Purse

While searching for a summer purse that would hold my all my stuff (I was especially looking for one that would hold my new Logitech tablet keyboard), I stopped at a thrift store in the Highland Park neighborhood of St. Paul, MN. I tried out several purses, and in one I found a surprise. A love letter.

It was so touching, I couldn’t believe that its recipient wouldn’t cherish it forever, even if the relationship might have ended. I didn’t get the purse, but I took the letter and went next door to the Panera Bread and typed it into this post. Every woman should have a letter like this. And, Cynthia, I left the big “cow print” purse at the thrift store, but if you want your letter from Greg Haywood, I have the original. I tried to find Greg online (and even looked for Cynthia Haywood, in case you married him), but Haywood is too common a name. So, I will just print the letter here and maybe it will find you.

The letter was written with no capital letters, so added those, but left everything else as written.

Cynthia,

I don’t know where it is that we are at in love. I look at love as an entity. If it were in physical form, like a country. And maybe we are on the coast or maybe we are smack dab in the middle of it.

When I think of where it is we are at, I am amazed at the transformation of the relationship. For obvious reasons, our foundation was made on something strong. It could be argued that it could be built on something stronger, if the circumstances had been ideal, but as we clearly have learned by now, nothing about this journey has been ideal. It has been a fairly unique set of obstacles that we have had to overcome.

There are times where the love that I have for you seems really overwhelming. I would label myself possessive, but I do want you all to myself. I do acknowledge that you are hot. Very attractive. And those same qualities that drew me to you probably are sensed by other men. It’s just something about you. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself. Your demeanor is sexy. Your smile rocks. There are those that probably see the great conversationalist/friend side of you, and also get the sense that you’d probably have some sexy things going on in that head of yours, and that you’d be great in bed. I think there is a part of you in denial about it. Either way, there are men that probably see that in you and think “jackpot!” and they’re right. You are a jackpot and you are a keeper. My keeper. My diamond in the rough.

I will try and do all I can to keep you happy. To make you content and satisfied and not neglect you or make conditions such that you wander to the “other side of the fence.” I feel I only have one chance to do this and to do this right. I played such a secondary role during my last foray into love. This time? I leave noting to chance. If I can’t make it work in something that has felt as effortlessly as this has and as easy going as this relationship has predominantly been, then I will walk away from love forever. I picture us discussing this and your response would be something like “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “even if this doesn’t work, you have so many great qualities you should love again.” But, honestly Cynthia? No. Because I’m not this teen in love. Or this kid that sees the world, and love, with blinders on. There is so much that is right with us. And you know that. And if all those rights don’t translate into a committed, happy, everlasting, ’til death do us part, loving relationship, then true love must just not be what I am meant to have.

You are looking on the verge of drooling over there. I love you enough that I will wake you before the saliva falls or I will break out a napkin, or use the bottom of my shirt to catch it (insert my creepy trademark laugh here). I look forward to this weekend, another adventure for you and I. Hopefully, we find good deals, good gifts, good food, good times and maybe some new hoop earrings while we’re at it. We’re a great team Ms. Cindy. I’m glad for whatever it was that made you fall for me despite the world I was in at that time. Maybe you really wanna be Mrs. Greg Haywood. Hmmm . . .

Loving you more with each fairly silent snore,
Greg

Stop the Complaining at Work!

Are you tired of workplace drama?  Would you like to nip complaining in the bud but still show that you are listening?  How would you like 3 simple techniques to help you do just that?

Marlene Chism, author of Stop the Workplace Drama, shared 3 techniques at the end of a recent teleseminar:

1. Technique #1 Four Words

When people are complaining and want to draw you into their drama, let them know that you hear them and understand what they’re saying, but get them into positive problem-solving mode by asking, “What do you want?” as in, “I hear what you’re saying.  Here’s my question:  What do you want?” (said with no eye-rolling or raised voice, but with respect).

2. Technique #2 Empowerment Technique

Get people out of the victim mode and get yourself out of the rescue mode by asking, “What are your choices?”  It may take a while to get people out of the mindset of running to you to solve their problems, but empower them by asking this question.

3. Technique #3 Collaboration Technique

Encourage collaboration in problem solving by asking, “Are you willing to . . .” type questions, such as “Are you willing to think about your choices and come back at 2 pm to talk about them?”

If a person is not willing to do something, then there would be some sort of consequences resulting from that choice.  For example, if you say, “Are you willing to come in 5 minutes early to make sure that you can be at your desk on time?” and the person says “No,”  then a consequence might be loss of the job after a certain number of  late starts.

Create movement toward employee empowerment with these three phrases when people complain:

“What do you want?”

“What are your choices?

“Are you willing to . . .”

Try them out at work, at home and in your volunteer organizations!

The Power of a Cookie: Practice Small Acts of Kindness

A cookie can make all the difference.  Last week, I attended a large Toastmasters International convention in Las Vegas.  During the business meeting, which dragged on and on, with a series of ballots, a friend started getting a little irritated.  I jokingly called her “Miss Crabby Pants.”  This picture captures her attitude: 

Maybe her attitude had something to do with staying up all night playing blackjack.  It was Vegas, after all.

I decided I needed to grab a bite to break the monotony and to get a little break from Miss Crabby Pants,  so I headed for the over-priced coffee vendor near the hotel lobby.  As I stood in line, I noticed huge (6-inch), chewy-looking chocolate chip cookies.  They were only $1.50, a comparative bargain.  Inspired initially by the low cost, and later by the thought that a chocolate chip cookie could act as a “happy pill,” I bought 3 cookies and 3 waters (for myself , Miss Crabby Pants and her husband).

Had I known that a simple cookie could bring about a complete change in attitude, I would have acted sooner.  Miss Crabby Pants vanished upon merely seeing the little treat.  In her place appeared, almost magically, Miss “Life-is-wonderful-and-so-are-you!”

Do you have a “Miss Crabby Pants” in your life?  What if you practiced a small act of kindness?  Even if it didn’t change the person’s attitude, wouldn’t you feel better having tried?  Perhaps you might be inspired to do random acts of kindness.  You never know when your smile or your kind word might be the one that makes someone’s day.

Here are a few ideas for small acts of kindness, a few metaphorical “cookies”–35 Little Acts of Kindness (from an issue of O, the Oprah Magazine).

What small acts of kindness have you done or experienced that have made a difference?

How to Start a Conversation with Someone You Don’t Know at a Networking Event

Have you ever gone to a networking event with the best of intentions of making new contacts and then found yourself talking to people you already know?  Or, maybe you just grab some food and head off to your seat to listen to the speaker?  Later, you start to think that networking events are just a big waste of time, so you stop going.

If that is what you are doing at networking events, then you are right.

The hardest part of attending a networking event is . . . networking!  In order to network, the first step is being able to start a conversation.

A couple days ago, I gave a presentation to the Women of Wealth Networking Group in Cottage Grove, MN.  Although, the main part of my presentation is on business storytelling, they wanted some networking tips on talking with people they didn’t know for an upcoming joint event.  So,  I made a chart “How to Start a Conversation with Someone You Don’t Know at a Networking Event” which summarizes some of the tips in my book, Small Talk Big Results:  Chit Chat Your Way to Success!

A few notes:

Pre-event preparation can give you a lot to talk about!  Try to find out who is going and do a little research on key people or businesses.  Also, don’t get too worked up over your “elevator speech.”  Try for a very short statement (if you have a tag line, you can modify that).  For example, I might use my tag line and say “I help people chit chat their way to success” to briefly explain what I do.  I might then ask the other person what they do.  And we can have a back-and-forth conversation rather than a monologue.

Being NOSE-y is all about an attitude of friendly interest.  Be someone who people aren’t afraid to approach and maintain friendly interest during conversation.  If you are a little introverted, you can use your body language to do the talking along with a few open-ended questions and keep a conversation going for quite a while.  About smiling–I don’t mean a goofy smile, but a generally pleasant expression, maybe with a hint of intrigue (e.g. a “Mona Lisa” smile).  A neutral expression almost always looks more negative than neutral.

See and Say.  The very simplest opening lines (icebreakers) involve observing something you both can see (food, attire, weather) and then saying something about it!  This comment does not have to be profound–it just gets the conversation going.  If you can comment on something that will tie in to something you both have in common, all the better.  People tend to like people who are like themselves.  Also, consider your tone of voice (keep it friendly).  In addition to body language, tone of voice contributes much to perceived meaning.

The 4-Step Hello.  Often “see and say” seems more casual–you say something before you actually introduce yourself and add, “Oh, by the way, I’m . . .”  However, you can introduce yourself first, if nothing else comes to mind or if it seems to make sense to introduce yourself first.  One important note is to make eye contact before you break into a bigger smile (assuming you have kept up your “Mona Lisa” smile) .  Making eye contact and then widening your smile gives a “you’re special” message.  It is a very appealing way to connect.

F.O.R.M. your contacts.  It’s just a way to organize questions, until you can internalize what kinds of questions to ask.  In most business situations, I’d start out with the occupation questions first.

Do you have any additional tips on starting conversations?

Please, Just Tell Me “No”

Years ago, when I lived in San Diego, I attended a Filipino church.   The congregation was the friendliest I’ve ever seen and they served delicious food.

However, I soon learned that saying “no” outright was not part of their culture.  Instead of saying “No,” they would defer the decision  (“I can let you know on Friday”) or use some sort of delay tactic such as saying “I need to check with family,”  when, I would later learn, they really meant “No.”  Outright refusal was seen as an insult.

It about drove me crazy.

I’m a “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and ‘no’ be ‘no”’ kind of person.

I probably drove them crazy.

And then I moved to Minnesota, land of Minnesota Nice or maybe I should say the land of passive-aggressives.

People generally ARE really nice here, but once in a while I notice a reluctance to say “No.”  Instead of saying “No,” some people agree just to avoid looking mean or selfish or to avoid confrontation.

Well, for those of you who have trouble saying “No.” I just read an article that gives you 20 ways to say it:

20 Ways to Tell Someone “No”    If I can say it truthfully, I might add “I’d love to, but . . .” in front of these responses, to “soften the blow” even more.

Do you have other ways of saying no that work for you?

 

Maybe I’m Wrong . . . The Power of Finding Fault with Yourself

“You’re wrong!”

How does that make you feel when someone says that to you, especially in an argument?

What’s the natural comeback?

“No!  You’re wrong!”

Where does the argument go from there?

Usually, through the power of reciprocity (tit-for-tat), the argument escalates.  We naturally push back.  It’s human nature.

Reciprocity can also work in-reverse–the next time you are in an argument and feel the urge to fight back, practice holding your tongue for a moment and reflecting on your own contribution to the problem, however small that contribution may be.

The instant you see some contribution you made to a conflict, your anger softens–maybe just a bit, but enough that you might be able to acknowledge some merit on the other’s side.  You can still believe you are right and the other person is wrong, but if you can move to believing that you are mostly right, and your opponent is mostly wrong, you have the basis for an effective and nonhumiliating apology.  You can take a small piece of the disagreement and say, “I should not have done X, and I can see why you felt Y.” Then, by the power of reciprocity, the other person will likely feel a strong urge to say, “Yes, I was really upset by X.  But I guess I shouldn’t have done P, so I can see why you felt Q.”  –Jonathan Haidt The Happiness Hypothesis

Try turning reciprocity upside down in your next argument and see for yourself the power of finding fault with yourself.

How to Share a Hotel Room Without Killing Your Family

I wonder how the pioneers did it.

I remember reading about how they would pack Ma and Pa and 4 or more kids into a one-room cabin and live there for years.  I suppose they were used to it.  However, when you stuff a modern American family of 4, 2 adults and 2 teens, into a hotel room, it can get a little dicey!

Here are 8 tips that have helped on our trip:

1. We all have our own electronics:  3 computers, 4 cell phones, 3 cameras, 1 iPod, 1 Nook and 1 Game Boy.  Also, I made sure to book rooms with free wireless internet. Next time I will bring an extension cord with multiple outlets.  Hotel rooms don’t have enough outlets.  Check all the outlets before you leave to make sure nothing was left plugged in.

2. Earplugs and an eye mask (for me–everybody else can sleep through anything).

3. TV–this can be problematic.  However, I only had to threaten once to turn it off if the kids couldn’t come to an agreement.  Closed captioning helps later at night if the volume has to be turned down so low that it is hard to hear over the air conditioning.

4. Hang loose and say “Yes” as much as possible. As in, “Yes, you can watch that show, and then your brother gets to pick the next one.”

5. Leave the room to make phone calls that will last more than about a minute–a rule for everyone!

6. Have lots of water and snack food.  It is hard to fight and eat at the same time, although not impossible.  A refrigerator is great for left overs.

7. Plan shower times.  If at all possible, get a hotel room that has the sink area separate from the toilet/shower area.  That way someone can be in the bathroom at the same time that someone else is brushing teeth, doing hair, etc.

8. Get out of the room!  Go to the pool, go to the lobby, go do something!

What helps you keep your sanity when sharing a hotel room?

 

Ask, Don’t Tell: Leading by Asking Questions

Do you want to engage people, get the information you need, and help others and yourself make better decisions?

Then, ask questions!

But, not just any kind of questions will do.  Here are some examples of counter-productive questions:

Bad Questions:

• How can you be so stupid? (degrading and emotionally-charged)
• Did I put that in terms simple enough for you? (condescending)
• Are you trying to pull the wool over my eyes? (aggressive)
• Are you done, yet? (impatient and closed-ended)

Some questions aren’t “bad;” they are just “tricky” (psychologically leading). An example:

Do you and your manager work well together? (subtly suggests there could be problems).

There are better questions to ask.  Ask questions that display respect.  Use more open-ended questions—questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.”  They begin with who, what, when, where, why and how.  Open-ended questions are more likely to get people talking.

An alternative to the question “Do you and your manager work well together?” might be to rephrase it: “Tell me about your working relationship with your manager.” (“Tell me” can encourage conversation even more than a question).

There are also better ways of asking questions. One very old, but effective way of asking questions is to use the Socratic Method.

The Socratic Method is often mentioned in the context of teaching and it is an effective way to teach, although it may take a little longer than a lecturing-style.  But, by asking questions, the students are active participants in gaining knowledge.   Teacher Rick Garlikov relates in Teaching by Asking Instead of Telling  how, as a classroom experiment, he taught his students binary arithmetic only by asking them questions.

The Socratic Method can be generalized to other situations as well. In The Socratic Method: Leveraging Questions to Increase Performance, Maj. Norman Patnode gives practical advice on using the Socratic Method as a leader in an organization.

There are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions.

~Charles Proteus Steinmetz

Talking to People About Your Business: Confidence, Wasting Time and Likeability

Is Your New Business Your Baby?

On 3/14, Tanya Smith and Tai Goodwin interviewed me on their BlogTalk Radio show, Your First 20 Clients for a segment, How to Talk to Strangers (and Friends) About Your New Business.

This blog post is the seventh in a series based on that show (I’m transcribing it one question at a time).

Today’s question is from 33:20 to 42:45 in the hour-long audio of the show.

Tanya:  So what are some other mistakes that new business owners tend to make when they’re talking about their business, Diane?

Diane: Well, I would say, they’re not confident.  When you’re talking about new business owners, I see a lot of them that are hesitant. It’s almost like they’re a little ashamed that they’re talking about their business.

They come across as hesitant because they don’t want you to reject them.  I mean, it’s their new baby, especially if they’re a new business owner—it’s like someone telling you your baby is ugly. (laughter)

It’s like, maybe I should just keep my baby under the blanket so no one will tell me that it’s ugly!