Top 10 Ways You Know You Might Be Suffering from “Empty Nest Syndrome”

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(note:  First draft for a stand-up comedy routine to be performed at the Humor Mill Toastmasters 9th Annual Stand Up Comedy Night on 1/16/2014.  I’d like to make it funnier, so please comment with ideas)

Any empty nesters out there?  Looking forward to someday being an empty nester?

After 25 years of raising kids, our last child has left the nest.  Just on Monday–Air Force Basic training.

As I dropped him off at the hotel, as he walked away, the memories came flooding in and I thought . ..

“Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.”

No empty nest syndrome for me!

Did you know that there is an actual condition “the empty nest syndrome”?

It’s a feeling of grief and loneliness that parents feel when their children leave home.

Grief?  Loneliness?

Heck, no.

But, I’ll admit that adjusting to an empty nest takes some time.  Here’s my top 10 list of ways you know you might be suffering from the Empty Nest Syndrome:

10.  You’re still surprised when you come home and the house looks the way you left it.

9.   On a bad weather day, you still check the list of school closings

8.   For that special “couple time” with your spouse, you still lock the bedroom door

7.   You still think of eating out as going through the drive through at McDonalds.

6.  You set the table for one too many people.

5.  You are shocked when you get in your car and the radio is playing your station

4.  You still walk around your car, checking for new damage

3.  You find yourself walking into your child’s room, giving it the “sniff test.”  I’ve heard of some moms going into their child’s room and smelling their children’s clothes.  Gag me.  I needed industrial strength cleaner to get rid of the stinky feet, old pizza and general locker-room bouquet.

2.  You start having more conversations at home, especially in that cutesy baby-waby tone of voice . . . with your cat.

And the #1 reason you know you might be having trouble adjusting to an empty nest:

1.  You get panic attacks that your parenting has scared your child for life.  You envision your child as a failure, living on the streets, making an appearance on the Jerry Springer show.

I’ve got some advice on that last reason. In fact, I’m even thinking of writing a book on parenting called, Parenting: It Doesn’t Matter What you Do.

So, chill out and embrace your freedom. . . before they boomerang back!

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