What Ever Happened to Face-to-Face Conversation?

 

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you gone through the grocery store checkout and felt, well, invisible, like the two men in the above Doonesbury comic strip?  Have you noticed a decline in interpersonal communication skills in recent years?

Why?

Are we too busy texting, tweeting, updating Facebook, listening to our iPods or just turning in to ourselves and tuning out others that we don’t really see or interact with the people right in front of us?

Can we blame technology-enabled communication?

Don’t get me wrong!  I wouldn’t want to go back to pre-email, pre-texting, pre-social media days.  I love my iPhone and am rarely more than a room away from it (although I don’t use it that much for actually making phone calls).  When I can get Skype to work well, it’s a wondrous thing.  I met my son-in-law via Skype before I met him in person. Being able to converse back and forth, in real time, seeing his facial expressions and body language and hearing his tone of voice greatly enhanced my feeling that I got to know him before we met in person.  Through Facebook, I keep in touch with far-flung friends and relatives, people I wouldn’t connect with much otherwise.

But are we losing the subtle nuances of face-to-face, real-time back-and-forth interpersonal skills?

More than one business owner has told me recently that their employees, especially the younger ones don’t want to pick up the phone and talk to a client–even if a direct conversation would be less complicated and much quicker.

Why is that?  Why do so many people shun face-to-face (or phone) conversations?

I’ll be exploring that question, and possible solutions in upcoming posts, but I’d love to hear what you think!

 

 

Locubrevisphobia: Fear of Small Talk

From the first chapter of Small Talk Big Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success!

Locubrevisphobia (n.)  A pathological fear of making small talk, often resulting in the sufferer avoiding social and networking events [from Latin “locu,” speak,  and “brevis,” short + phobia].

OK. I made that up. But many people do have fears that hold them back from making small talk.

Let’s take a look at the four most common fears that hold people back.

1. Fear of the unknown. When I was little, my mom said, “Don’t talk to strangers!”  For some people, that childhood fear of strangers persists into adulthood.

 Attitude Booster: Act like a host, not a guest.

You are at a business networking event and have done your reconnaissance—checked out who is there and identified potential conversation partners.  You’re ready to make your move, but there is that twinge of nervousness. Are you nervous about introducing yourself to total strangers?

Consider a different scenario for the next networking event you attend. Think of yourself as an event’s host and not its guest.

As a host, you would introduce yourself to people you don’t know and introduce them to others. Wouldn’t you tell them where to find the food and drinks? Wouldn’t you introduce people as they arrive?  A host has an active role as opposed to the passive role of a guest. You can play the role of the host even though you are not the actual host. Get in the habit of holding out your hand first and saying, “Hi, my name is ____________.”

2. Fear of rejection. Anytime you open your mouth and speak, even just to chit chat, you risk rejection. If you never talk to people, you won’t be rejected. But guess what? If you never talk to people, you will also be very lonely.

The best way I’ve found to overcome the fear of rejection is to focus on how I feel when I am accepted. It’s a great feeling and it’s worth risking rejection.

Attitude Booster: Recall the beginnings of your important relationships.

Ask yourself: what do I have to lose? Nothing! What do I have to gain? Possibly everything! Think back to when you first met your spouse or another important person in your life. How did it all start? You probably started with small talk.

I remember when my husband and I met. I was 17 and at my first beer-kegger party. As neither he nor I drink beer, I suppose it was fate that the only two sober people there would strike up a conversation. We were both geeky types, so our geeky small talk worked out just fine. More than 30 years later we are still together.

3. Fear of being a bore. You know what it’s like to hear someone drone on and on, so you don’t want to be the person others want to escape!

Attitude Booster: If you are afraid of being a bore, you probably won’t be one.

There is a simple solution, too. As long as the other person is talking, they are NOT bored! By encouraging them to talk, you become the most fascinating conversationalist they’ve ever talked to.

4. Fear of looking stupid. You are afraid that if you open your mouth, you will insert your foot. Or, maybe you won’t know what to say.

Attitude Booster: This fear is bigger in your mind than in reality!

It just doesn’t happen that often. But if it does, an effective technique is to make fun of yourself. If you can make fun of yourself, you will put others at ease. This fear is easily overcome with practice and preparation.

Have you ever suffered from locubrevisphobia?  What has helped you overcome your fear of small talk?

Brush up your small talk and networking skills by getting the book!

Better Small Talk Tips from Minister Faust

“So, what do you do?” or the variation, “So, what do you do for a living?” are probably the most common opening questions when people meet.  While many people give boring answers to these questions and others spew out an elevator pitch, there are a few people who realize that the questions themselves are problematic.

They can be an attempt to discover who the top dog is.

Why not ask a question that engages people in sharing what they know and what they care about in a way that connects them with you?  Ask them a question that gets them to share a personal story.  Personal stories can be an equalizer. That’s what radio host, Malcolm “Minister Faust” Azania, shares in this Tedx talk, “How to Engage in Better Small Talk.”

Azania uses 7 question zones to encourage story sharing:

 1. Food. “Tell me the story of your most powerful associations with bread . . . ” Azania related a story of asking that question of a friend who told him about when his dog ate a loaf and an half of bread dough.

 2. Favorite teacher. It’s amazing how much people want to answer this question.  Who are the heroes without their teachers . . . the ones who helped them transform?

3. Forest. Ask about their connection with nature.

4. Film & culture. People will tell you remarkable things about how their favorite book or movie affected them.  Instead of asking,  “Have you read book X?” ask “Tell me about a book that changed you.” Or, “Tell me about your favorite book dealing with X . . .  or about Y . . . or by Z.”  Other questions: “Tell me about a movie that makes you cry.” And,  “Who would you want to play you in a movie?”

5.  Forlorn or fond. “Tell me about the songs that profoundly remind you of your own youth and why.”

6. Fear. Ask them about their fear—a fear they’ve overcome.  “Tell me if and when you ever personally overcame racial tension.”

7. For the Win. “Tell me the story of one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for you.”  Or, “Tell me about a time when you discovered that you were stronger than you thought you were.”

These types of questions aren’t intended to arrive at specific point, but where they take you can be much more interesting than the response to “what do you do for a living?”

Use small talk to get to the big talk by encouraging people to tell stories.

Cell Phones, Potty talk and the Cone of Silence: Yes, I Can Hear You Now!

Imagine that you were with me when I was in a stall in a ladies’ restroom . . . on second thought, maybe don’t imagine that!  Anyhow, I heard a “Hi, there. How’s it going?” coming from the stall next to me.   I bent down and looked under my stall both directions and saw only one other pair of feet.  It was just her and me.   Not to be rude,  I replied, “It’s . . . going fine, how about you?”

Then, she said, “Can you take Joey to soccer at 5?”

What?? I didn’t even know her and she wants me to . . . Ohhh . . .

Yep, she was on her cell phone.

Since when did we need to talk on the phone and use the toilet at the same time?   OK. Guilty.  But at least I do try to hang up before I flush.

Tracks in the Snow: How to Connect with People Who Avoid You

I trudged out in the new snow to get the morning paper, bleary-eyed from staying up too late.  On the way back to the house, I noticed the tracks.  Deer tracks. Hundreds of tiny hoof prints.  I paused, marveling at how close to the house they were.  I had never seen deer so close to my home.  But, the tracks were evidence; evidence that they do indeed come near, just not when I’m around.

What?  Don’t they like me?  Don’t they know I won’t hurt them?  Don’t they know I think they are beautiful?

OK.  I won’t take it personally.  Maybe their instincts make them wary.  Maybe they’ve encountered hunters.  Maybe they are indoctrinated at deer school with showings of “Bambi.”

Are there people in your life like those deer?  People you desperately want to see, to connect with, but all you get is “tracks in the snow?”  The teenager who leaves a trail of dirty dishes, but sits behind a closed door; the employee who picks up a paycheck, but rarely picks up the phone when you call; or the prospect who fills out the inquiry form on your website, but never returns emails?

How do you connect with them?

Mickey Mouse Theory of Communication

After years of rigorous research (well, make that “occasional observation and personal frustration”), I have developed a simplified model of interpersonal communication:  Diane’s Mickey Mouse Theory of Interpersonal Communication (with apologies to Disney). 

The Dance of Conversation: What Dance Classes Taught Me About Conversation

I’m glad I don’t talk like I dance.  If I did I’d probably be considered autistic—I misstep, turn the wrong way, and sometimes hijack the lead. Well, maybe I’m being too hard on myself.  I’ve only had a few dance lessons.

However, in those few lessons, the parallels between dance and everyday conversation, have been striking.  We can learn a lot about what makes for good conversation by what makes for good partner dancing.  Here a dozen brief lessons I have learned:

Use FORM to Keep the Conversation Going!

You’ve said “Hello.”   Now what?

One of the best approaches I learned long ago for building rapport and getting the other person to talk is the FORM approach.  FORM is an acronym that stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Motivation.  The “FOR” talk helps build rapport before you delve into the “M,” what motivates a person.  Start with “FOR”ing people and work up to “FORM”ing them.  When you find out what motivates a person, you can better connect with them and sell yourself, your ideas or your products.  FORM can be adapted to business, social and dating situations!

Lose your but!

Recently my 17 year-old daughter cleaned my house.   I know I should have had a hallelujah breakdown because  “seventeen year-old-daughter” and ”house cleaning” don’t often occur in the same sentence.  Instead, I managed to find fault.  When she was done, I said, “the house looks good.” She smiled; glad to have pleased me with her effort.  But then I added, “but you missed the edges of the floor in the bathroom,” and her smile faded into discouragement. 

Ouch.  I should have lost my “but.” 

At a Loss for Words for Words of Loss

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry you have cancer.”

“I’m sorry you lost your job.”

“I’m sorry you’re getting a divorce.”

“I’m sorry your dog died.”

“I’m sorry your son died.”

 I’ve said “I’m sorry” for all those things and more in the past year and every time the expression has felt so inadequate.  My condolences were heartfelt, but I always felt as if my words of sympathy were like a drop in the bucket compared to the great depths of the person’s loss. 

Have you ever felt at a loss for words when faced with responding to someone’s loss?

Has that ever kept you from reaching out to that person?

 I started writing this blog entry thinking I was going to write some profound, meaningful phrases that you could use when talking with (or writing to) a grief-stricken person.  Maybe I will do that sometime in the future, but at this time, I want to urge you to reach out, with whatever words come to you, even just a simple, “I’m sorry.”  Because, sometimes it isn’t so much the words as the act of reaching out that will be of greatest comfort to someone in painful grieving.  Maybe no words at all are needed.  Perhaps a kind, lingering glance or a hug will speak volumes.  Maybe just being there is the greatest expression of sympathy.  So, if you are at a loss for words for words of loss, speak from your soul by being present with the person.