What Ever Happened to Face-to-Face Conversation?

 

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you gone through the grocery store checkout and felt, well, invisible, like the two men in the above Doonesbury comic strip?  Have you noticed a decline in interpersonal communication skills in recent years?

Why?

Are we too busy texting, tweeting, updating Facebook, listening to our iPods or just turning in to ourselves and tuning out others that we don’t really see or interact with the people right in front of us?

Can we blame technology-enabled communication?

Don’t get me wrong!  I wouldn’t want to go back to pre-email, pre-texting, pre-social media days.  I love my iPhone and am rarely more than a room away from it (although I don’t use it that much for actually making phone calls).  When I can get Skype to work well, it’s a wondrous thing.  I met my son-in-law via Skype before I met him in person. Being able to converse back and forth, in real time, seeing his facial expressions and body language and hearing his tone of voice greatly enhanced my feeling that I got to know him before we met in person.  Through Facebook, I keep in touch with far-flung friends and relatives, people I wouldn’t connect with much otherwise.

But are we losing the subtle nuances of face-to-face, real-time back-and-forth interpersonal skills?

More than one business owner has told me recently that their employees, especially the younger ones don’t want to pick up the phone and talk to a client–even if a direct conversation would be less complicated and much quicker.

Why is that?  Why do so many people shun face-to-face (or phone) conversations?

I’ll be exploring that question, and possible solutions in upcoming posts, but I’d love to hear what you think!

 

 

Locubrevisphobia: Fear of Small Talk

From the first chapter of Small Talk Big Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success!

Locubrevisphobia (n.)  A pathological fear of making small talk, often resulting in the sufferer avoiding social and networking events [from Latin “locu,” speak,  and “brevis,” short + phobia].

OK. I made that up. But many people do have fears that hold them back from making small talk.

Let’s take a look at the four most common fears that hold people back.

1. Fear of the unknown. When I was little, my mom said, “Don’t talk to strangers!”  For some people, that childhood fear of strangers persists into adulthood.

 Attitude Booster: Act like a host, not a guest.

You are at a business networking event and have done your reconnaissance—checked out who is there and identified potential conversation partners.  You’re ready to make your move, but there is that twinge of nervousness. Are you nervous about introducing yourself to total strangers?

Consider a different scenario for the next networking event you attend. Think of yourself as an event’s host and not its guest.

As a host, you would introduce yourself to people you don’t know and introduce them to others. Wouldn’t you tell them where to find the food and drinks? Wouldn’t you introduce people as they arrive?  A host has an active role as opposed to the passive role of a guest. You can play the role of the host even though you are not the actual host. Get in the habit of holding out your hand first and saying, “Hi, my name is ____________.”

2. Fear of rejection. Anytime you open your mouth and speak, even just to chit chat, you risk rejection. If you never talk to people, you won’t be rejected. But guess what? If you never talk to people, you will also be very lonely.

The best way I’ve found to overcome the fear of rejection is to focus on how I feel when I am accepted. It’s a great feeling and it’s worth risking rejection.

Attitude Booster: Recall the beginnings of your important relationships.

Ask yourself: what do I have to lose? Nothing! What do I have to gain? Possibly everything! Think back to when you first met your spouse or another important person in your life. How did it all start? You probably started with small talk.

I remember when my husband and I met. I was 17 and at my first beer-kegger party. As neither he nor I drink beer, I suppose it was fate that the only two sober people there would strike up a conversation. We were both geeky types, so our geeky small talk worked out just fine. More than 30 years later we are still together.

3. Fear of being a bore. You know what it’s like to hear someone drone on and on, so you don’t want to be the person others want to escape!

Attitude Booster: If you are afraid of being a bore, you probably won’t be one.

There is a simple solution, too. As long as the other person is talking, they are NOT bored! By encouraging them to talk, you become the most fascinating conversationalist they’ve ever talked to.

4. Fear of looking stupid. You are afraid that if you open your mouth, you will insert your foot. Or, maybe you won’t know what to say.

Attitude Booster: This fear is bigger in your mind than in reality!

It just doesn’t happen that often. But if it does, an effective technique is to make fun of yourself. If you can make fun of yourself, you will put others at ease. This fear is easily overcome with practice and preparation.

Have you ever suffered from locubrevisphobia?  What has helped you overcome your fear of small talk?

Brush up your small talk and networking skills by getting the book!

Better Small Talk Tips from Minister Faust

“So, what do you do?” or the variation, “So, what do you do for a living?” are probably the most common opening questions when people meet.  While many people give boring answers to these questions and others spew out an elevator pitch, there are a few people who realize that the questions themselves are problematic.

They can be an attempt to discover who the top dog is.

Why not ask a question that engages people in sharing what they know and what they care about in a way that connects them with you?  Ask them a question that gets them to share a personal story.  Personal stories can be an equalizer. That’s what radio host, Malcolm “Minister Faust” Azania, shares in this Tedx talk, “How to Engage in Better Small Talk.”

Azania uses 7 question zones to encourage story sharing:

 1. Food. “Tell me the story of your most powerful associations with bread . . . ” Azania related a story of asking that question of a friend who told him about when his dog ate a loaf and an half of bread dough.

 2. Favorite teacher. It’s amazing how much people want to answer this question.  Who are the heroes without their teachers . . . the ones who helped them transform?

3. Forest. Ask about their connection with nature.

4. Film & culture. People will tell you remarkable things about how their favorite book or movie affected them.  Instead of asking,  “Have you read book X?” ask “Tell me about a book that changed you.” Or, “Tell me about your favorite book dealing with X . . .  or about Y . . . or by Z.”  Other questions: “Tell me about a movie that makes you cry.” And,  “Who would you want to play you in a movie?”

5.  Forlorn or fond. “Tell me about the songs that profoundly remind you of your own youth and why.”

6. Fear. Ask them about their fear—a fear they’ve overcome.  “Tell me if and when you ever personally overcame racial tension.”

7. For the Win. “Tell me the story of one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for you.”  Or, “Tell me about a time when you discovered that you were stronger than you thought you were.”

These types of questions aren’t intended to arrive at specific point, but where they take you can be much more interesting than the response to “what do you do for a living?”

Use small talk to get to the big talk by encouraging people to tell stories.

“I Hate Small Talk” T-Shirts

Inspired by recent anti-small talk tweets on twitter, I designed a few T-Shirt Concepts.

1.  No Small Talk

2. Death by small talk.

3. Skip the small Talk. Get to the real talk.

4. I hate small talk.

5. Big Talk > Small Talk

6.Small talk,  small mind

Now I think that small talk can lead to big results and big talk, but so many people do it badly that I can understand why people hate it!

10 Rules for Avoiding Small Talk (6 from Alex Watt plus 4)

“6 Rules for Avoiding Small Talk” by Alex Watt on CollegeHumor.

I got a kick out of this!  In short, the 6 rules for avoiding small talk that Alex Watt proposes are:

1. Always take the stairs (avoid the elevator)

2. Wear headphones

3. Know everything about current events

4. Don’t pay attention to the weather

5. Pretend you’re on the phone

6. Look Crazy

In Minnesota, #4 would be difficult!

To round out the list,  I will add a few more:

7.  Do not make eye contact.  Not in an elevator (there’s a rule about that isn’t there?).  Not in the hall.  Not on the street.  Not at a party.  Once eye contact is made, you can’t  undo it.  They saw you see them.

Of course, you may attempt to negate the eye contact by scowling at them.  Whatever you do, do NOT smile.  Eye contact + smiling = invitation to chat.

If someone attempts to strike up a conversation with you, you can nip it in the bud by avoiding eye contact.  Stare just over their right shoulder, acting like you’re  looking for someone or something.  Then, say “excuse me” and walk away like you have to do something or meet someone urgently (you can always do # 5 and pull out your phone). This leads to a general way to avoid small talk . . .

8. Be preoccupied.  Be totally into yourself  or your own problems.  You can fake preoccupation several ways.  It could be your phone or your iPod, but it can be anything at all–especially if you look like you shouldn’t be bothered.  Search frantically in your purse or bag.  Frown as you read something. Pick at imaginary threads on your clothes.  Talk to yourself.  Oops . . . we are getting back to #6.

9.  Do not leave your home.  Work from home.  Order your groceries online.  Order pizza and just stick your hand out with the money.  Go into a coughing fit to avoid talking with the pizza deliverer.

10.  Do NOT buy my book, Small Talk BIG Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success! You might be tempted to leave your home, make eye contact, smile, connect with people and have fun making small talk!

In what ways have you avoided small talk?

Book Party and Giveaway!

And the winner is . . . Chuck Carstensen (comment #26 as selected by random.org)!

Click here for 11/30 Last Day Special

To celebrate the launch of my new book,

Small Talk Big Results: Chit Chat Your Way to Success!

I’m hosting a virtual book party including a prize giveaway THROUGH 11/30!

Giveaway:  “Chat Pack” (book, Altoids Breath mint tin, $10 Coffee Gift Card)